Fucking Machines - Useful Buying Tips and Product Reviews

Metal fucking machine with dildo attachment

 

These mechanical beauties are nothing to be intimidated by or avoid. 

 

They can be a never-ending source of thrusting, vibrating, and pleasure (as long as your power doesn't go out).

 

Today, we will look at what kinds of machines are out there and what you need to look out for before bowing to the expensive price tag that comes with the territory...

 

 

FUCKING MACHINES


 

These have some serious torque output [see above image], which is what makes them mind-blowingly pleasurable.

 

There are a wide variety of styles and prices, so there is something for everyone. However, it’s important to pay attention to what kind of motor you get.

 

It does not pay to be super cheap – mostly because the crappier ones can stall when your PC muscles clamp down or your man thrusts (I've seen it happen). The better ones will soldier right on and won’t give up the fight until you flip the off switch.

 

 

SADDLES


 

When you hear about saddles (no, not the kind for horses, although they do have literal saddles with dildos attached to them) you’ll most likely hear the word “Sybian”.

 

Sex saddle with dildo attachments and remote controlEven though this company is the epitome and masters of their particular craft, there are plenty of knock-offs that try to compete with lower prices or better deals and discounts.

 

What are they?

 

Really … powerful … vibrators. And you either love them or hate them. 

 

 

MONKEY ROCKERS


 

Monkey rocker aka rocking sex chair with dildo attachmentYou probably know them as sex rocking chairs.

 

They come in a wide variety of styles and prices. They are VERY quiet - it will make about as much sound as your grandma’s rocking chair. The only sounds you will need to worry about are the ones coming from you.

 

The negatives, YOU are the power source for thrusts, and your legs might get tired if you like longer sessions.

 

I would also suggest looking at the back of the chair. Some are just stools, and if you are the kind of person who prefers something to support your back (or even something to grab onto), look for those appropriate designs.

 

 

POWER TOOL SEX MACHINES


 

'Powertool with sex toy attachmentI would put these under the category of “Use at your own risk”. Mostly because the speed of these motors isn’t something that was intended for a human orifice, and, unless you use a ridiculous amount of lube, there could be chafing of epic proportions.

 

You also need to make sure there is a PROPER attachment. Do NOT buy, accept, or make one that’s just a dildo shoved onto the end of a drill bit or saw blade. Unless someone is the next candidate for the Darwin Awards, it’s easy to see how this scenario could end.

 

 

HOMEMADE SEX MACHINES


 

Parts of homemade sex machineIf you’re adventurous, skilled, or just plain DIY crazy, you could TRY to craft your own. 

 

But my advice would be leaving any electrical wiring up to someone who knows what they’re doing. People get wet when they are excited.

 

Electricity and liquids = bad.

 

 

WHAT TO CONSIDER BEFORE BUYING


 

#1. WILLINGNESS – If you’re in a relationship, it’s not going to be a random purchase you come home, unwrap, and say, “Surprise!” (Although I bet it’s happened). This is something you should discuss with your partner, especially if the price tag is high.

 

Fucking machine with various sex toy attachments#2. YOUR BUDGET – How much you have in your wallet is obviously going to restrict what you can buy.

 

#3. ADJUSTABILITY – With sex chairs and especially fucking machines you will have to see how easily you can tweak the toy’s position so it can hit you in the right spots.

 

#4. EXTRAS – Are there more attachments you can buy? Storage cases, mats, etc. There might be something in the list of goodies that make your purchase that much more amazing. For example, maybe you love the dildo, but there is a prostate attachment that your man can enjoy too. 

 

Machine gun sex machine and yellow handbag carrying case#5. STORAGE Where are you going to hide it? Is it small and compact or big, bulky and impossible to put under your bed?

 

#6. INSPECTION – If possible, check out the sex machine in person before you shell out any money.

 

If you’re interested in a Sybian, there are rentals (don’t let the concept scare you off, they are clean and the attachments are purchased by you and never used for another customer again) which let you test it before you buy one.

 

Make sure you understand their return policies detail for detail.

 

 

GENERAL ADVICE FOR USING ONE


 

USE LOTS OF LUBE

 

Maybe even use a vibrator to get wet first, and still slather on even more. Trust me, you'll need LOTS.

 

FIND THE RIGHT POSITION(S) 

 

Aside from finding a good place for it in the bedroom, you need to learn where to position yourself so you can take however much of the toy you are comfortable with.

 

Hitachi magic wand flexible arm attachment for sex machineKEEP IT STABLE

 

Keep it on a flat stable surface, and don’t let it slide around. This is especially important if you find yourself in a mid-orgasmic-convulsions. Wildly flailing around could cause the machine to shift and cause unpleasant poking. 

 

USE YOUR IMAGINATION 

 

You can incorporate things like blindfolds or other stimuli, but I would not recommend any sort of bondage until you have used the machine a few times and know exactly how to set up things.

 

Magic wands are FANTASTIC accessories for sex machines:

Magic Wand Guide - Is the Hitachi Still the Best?

Domi - The Super-Powerful, Cordless Mini Wand

 

KEEP IT CLEAN

 

Sounds like a no-brainer, but it still needs to be said. And it’s not a quick wipe down; make sure to get into any of those nooks and crannies - bodily fluid can get everywhere.

 

The rule for sex toy care is - clean before and after each use.

 

Learn how to avoid mold, mildew, and other nasties on your sex toys:

Buzzy and Clean! Over 30 Essential Tips on How to Clean Sex Toys

 

 

MACHINE REVIEWS

 

 

FULL DISCLOSURE: The price tag on these bad boys makes it impossible to try all of them firsthand. I've tried 2 of them. The rest was reading all available reviews and passing on the results to you.

 

 

1. SYBIAN SADDLES (product link)


 

Labeled as the Cadillac of sex machines … with the price tag to go with it … Sybians should be on the naughty wish list of most women (and even some men) who like power. These things have been known to make women squirt for the first time, or just lose their minds in orgasmic bliss.

 

Sybian saddle with stool, control box, attachments and CDThe two movements (vibration and rotation) are controlled by separate dials, the saddle can withstand 1000lbs of weight/pressure, and the entire 22lb package comes with a 5-year warranty.

 

The downside?

 

They are NOT quiet. Not at all. Nor should you expect something that powerful to be a whisper.

 

So, if you have roommates, parents, or kids in a 5-block radius…best not get one. The other turn-off is the price. To get one with all the bells, whistles, and attachments, it would run you around $2500. Even the base model will set you back around $1300. Ouch.

 

The other thing to keep I mind is that they are NOT for everyone. Power queens will bow before it. Anyone else will probably try to dismantle it then perform an exorcism on the metal remains.

 

It’s definitely a “try before you buy” toy. And yes, there are places you can rent them (sanitized and with fresh/new attachments for every customer)

 

VERDICT: yellow staryellow staryellow staryellow staryellow star  

This will forever be on my wishlist.

 

 

2. MAESTRO BY LOVEBOTZ (product link)


 

Maestro by Lovebotz sex machine with dildo attachmentA wolf in sheep’s clothing. Or, more accurately, a sub-standard toy disguised as something decent. At least that’s what I’ve been reading in the sea of mixed reviews.

 

Half of their customers loved it. 5 out of 5s all the way and promises of machinery-monogamy till death do you part. The other half loathed it.

 

There are chunks of reviews written in entirely CAPS LOCK complaining about bad customer service, poorly constructed parts, and motors dying after 5 minutes. All of this is a bummer, because the thing LOOKS good.

 

VERDICT: yellow staryellow starhalf a yellow star

When all the complaints are from different people about the same thing, it gives me pause.

 

 

3. LUXURY CHAIRS BY IBIS (product link)


 

Luxury chairs by Ibis - sex chair and sex machine in redThis is a product for a sex-machine connoisseur … a rich one.

 

Since each of these babies are custom made to order, the price tag will START at a heart-attack inducing $9000.

 

The cost, however, is justifiable.

 

All materials are top quality, the motors are the newest and best they can find, and the equipment that goes into making the controllers isn’t something you pick up at the dollar store. All in all, it’s very labor intensive to make each one.

 

I particularly like the fact it will work with nearly all dildo attachments (within reason), and they provide power adapters with each one – which makes sense because they will pretty much ship anywhere in the world (you just gotta pay for it, of course). The other downside? The size and weight.

 

The good news? No one will buy something like this without being REALLY sure they want it

 

VERDICT: yellow staryellow staryellow staryellow starhalf a yellow star

It was originally 5/5 but I took away half a star because I'll never be able to afford it and I'm pouting.

 

 

4. SEX MACHINE BY PIPEDREAMS  (product link)


 

Cheap sex machine by Pipedreams with sex toy attachments and sex lubeMixed reviews flood this one as well. Many claim it’s just cheap and falls apart, while others insist it’s strong, sturdy, and powerful.

 

There are a couple things, however, that most people seem to agree on.

 

First, the power cord’s connections can be loose and there is a good chance you’ll have to replace it. Apparently, it ’s easy enough to replace with a standard power cable that goes with your computer.

 

Second, many don't like that the one dildo attachment is way too big for most women. If you’ve spent 500 bucks on Lovehoney’s model, I can understand someone being angry. But if you went the Amazon route (or found a deal) and only dished out 200 dollars, I would be slightly less miffed … slightly.

 

What I REALLY don’t like is the “foot stirrups” on the side of the toy (where your feet are apparently supposed to go through). Are they to hold it in place or move it into interesting positions?  And while I like the suction cup option, I can't see the thing being weighted enough to stay put on the bed.

 

VERDICT: yellow staryellow starhalf a yellow star

You tried your best but were still found wanting.

 

 

5.EXTREME SEX MACHINE BY PIPEDREAM (product link)


 

Extreme sex machine by Pipedream - fucking machine with carrying bag and other accessoriesPoor Pipedream. They try so hard, but they seem to be stuck in the limbo state of “mediocre” sex machines that want to be a luxury product, but end up something that looks like a dust buster that sucked up a dildo.

 

On one hand, I love the idea of a machine that a guy and girl use together.

 

On the other hand, I don’t think the size is going to be strong enough to accommodate most customers, and the few reviews that are actually out there confirmed just that. Most sensations are lackluster and the phone holder doesn’t work for all phones.

 

All this for the steep price of around $500 … five … hundred.

 

If it were cheaper, it could be something worth giving a try. For that price, I could just get an auto male masturbator and a dildo and have some fun times in bed.

 

VERDICT: yellow staryellow staryellow star

Points awarded for creativity.

 

 

DETAILED REVIEWS

These are products I've been able to try myself...

 

6. MACHINE GUN  (product link)


 

Machine Gun sex machine in blackThis is one of the cheaper machines you can get your hands on - and boy is it cheap, even the base covering feels like it could peel off after a couple months.

 

Regardless, I grabbed it (mostly because of the male and female attachment options).

 

If you do any digging into these toys, you’ll find that 95% of them are for women, and the pocket pussy attachments are an afterthought … that you have to pay an arm and a leg for. So, when I saw this one came with a “beer bottle” head, I grabbed it (even if it was TPE).

 

When it arrived, the female toys smelled like harsh chemicals, but the male toy was okay. The suction cups at the bottom looked like they couldn’t hold onto anything if their rubbery lives depended on it … but it stuck to the TILE floor quite well … then not at all to the wood floor in the bedroom - damn it.

 

My man told me the “bottle” feels very nice, and then told me he used it before I got home … twice. To which I replied, “Well, get ready to use it with the machine again.”

 

Machine gun sex machine with beer bottle male masturbator attachmentHere’s where things got really awkward and not sexy.

 

The design seems to be more fitted towards women, women lying on their backs.

 

The extension and angle of the machine weren’t enough to reach things. He tried laying down, sitting up, sitting really up, holding the device (which is surprisingly light) but it all just didn’t work.

 

The only suitable position was if we put the machine on the floor, he got on his knees and held the machine down with his hands (imagine doggy style). Even then, the part that lets you angle things kept sliding down and we had to slow down and readjust accordingly. 

 

When we did find the sweet spot, and I turned it on full ...  fireworks exploded.

 

It was an instant favorite of his. I should also add that you can NOT thrust into the bottle or it will STALL the machine (it didn't stall with my orgasms thankfully).

 

Next came my turn, and it was a hell of a lot easier to use on my back. The speeds went from slow to intense (I couldn’t even get up to full). Also, be aware that the starting thrust is a little jarring at first, then you get used to it.

 

All in all, I really liked it (even despite the first time being a pain I the ass to figure out for guys). My only complaint is the first “thrust” when you turn it on isn’t as smooth as I would like, and it made me jump. 

 

I would recommend getting one if you want a fucking machine but don’t want to spend thousands. 

 

VERDICT: yellow staryellow staryellow staryellow star

It's good ... once you figure out how to positions things. 

 

 

GIGOLO BY F-MACHINE (product link)


 

I'm pleased to say that I actually got my hands on this one (hence the REALLY long review you're about to read).

 

And when I say “get” I mean “salvage from the back office where the tech guys store the remains of the poorly departed toys they dissect."

 

Gigolog by F-machine - close up of motor and casingNow, important note, this was lent to me post-construction.

 

So, I never had to go through the unboxing and putting things together myself. However, after looking at the pieces, pictures, and other reviews, it seems very easy to slap things together.

 

What immediately got me was the sound. It’s fairly quiet. Surprisingly so. It was also small enough that it could be stored away without causing too much of a fuss. The construction also seems solid enough. Nothing really felt rickety or cheap …

 

F-machine remote controlExcept for the remote … which felt like a cheap piece of plastic (because it is).

 

Now, keeping in mind I know next to zero about what is feasible when it comes to the construction of these things, but I just don’t like that there is only ONE option to control the Gigolo.

 

Think of it like a television, if the remote breaks, there are buttons on the side that at least let you use the basic functions until you order a new remote. Granted, there is only one option to control regular vibrators etc., but none of those will run you 700+ bucks.

 

The f-machine II improvements seem to be much better in this department. You have a dial that shows you exactly how many RPMs you’re getting (instead of two big +/- buttons) – although one review claimed it popped off and wouldn’t go back on despite the provided tools. They also have the options to change the voltage, which is fantastic news for the international crowd.

 

F-machine suction cup base attachmentThe other thing that bothers me is that the base suction cups are extra.

 

That’s right. If I don’t want my machine slipping and sliding all over my tile floor, I have to pay more … a lot more. Or at least stick exclusively to the bed and anchor that is my boyfriend. F-that.

 

And, now … the dildo attachment.

 

Warning: RANT INCOMING...

 

F-machine, you lazy wankers.

 

Who in their right minds includes a RUBBER dildo as their standard “dong”?

 

For those of you who are new to the sex toy game, rubber toys aren’t necessarily toxic, but they ARE highly porous. This means that fluids, bacteria, mold, mildew, fungus, and STIs etc. can and will get stuck in the micro-crannies that riddle the surface. They are impossible to sterilize. 

 

It’s not going to break the bank to go for the silicone toy. It’s really not.

 

Yes, I could go the condom route (which I had to) but I shouldn’t HAVE TO. So, my initial euphoria was understandably reduced to a crumbling pile of smoking ashes when I saw the attachment.

 

I shouldn’t have to:

 

  • Pay extra for the machine to stay in place
  • Pay more for attachments that are made from body-safe materials
  • Go elsewhere for decent attachment alternatives
  • Dish out an EXTRA hundred dollars (or more) just to have a male masturbator attachment

 

Am I being greedy? Probably, but I don't care.

 

Add-on purchases are understandable if they are affordable, but this just ridiculous that I can get a Sex Machine Gun for less than two hundred bucks that include half a dozen attachments.

 

I know what you’re asking...

 

“BUT HOW DOES IT FEEL?!”

 

That’s the epic, butt-burning thing that pisses me off to no end …

 

Cartoon drawing of man looking angry - blood shot eyes and reaching to grab somethingIt feels great.

 

F-machine (I), I frigging hate you. You slack on attachment options and go cheap on dildo material. It took you all the way to a second generation model to figure out you needed duel-voltage options.

 

Your remotes are something I would find at a dollar store. The male masturbator arms are so expensive that I might as well just buy something else entirely. And yet, I want to find a way to keep using you.

 

VERDICT: yellow staryellow staryellow star

Because I rolled a dice and gave it a random rating … cause I’m pissed.

 


 

There’s the age-old adage “You get what you pay for”.

 

However, in the case of sex machines, it just doesn’t seem true.

 

MOST of them are expensive, but it’s obvious that the quality just isn’t there for a majority of models. And if you want something guaranteed (with decent customer service), it seems customers will have to accept the triple or quadruple digit price tags.

 

If it’s at all possible, go and look at the toy in person before you whip out the credit card, and make sure you look over the return policy with a careful eye.

 

It’s a market filled with lemons and a handful of diamonds. But if you manage to find a rare gem, it’s totally worth it.

 

Have you managed to find a decent fucking machine? Tell us in the comments. I would love to know!

 

Have a vibration-filled day!

Robyn

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