BDSM Aftercare 101 – Ways to Care for Your Sub After Play

If you’re getting into any form of BDSM, you’ll need to learn proper aftercare.  Here are the basics and a list of suggestions

WHAT IS AFTERCARE?


In short, it’s a fancy way of saying that everyone is okay and happy after playing around in BDSM.

It’s also gently bringing someone back to reality (from the fantasy of play) and helping them feel grounded again and/or re-establishing the normal, loving roles you would normally assume (if you’re in a relationship).

But, there’s a lot to aftercare that many new players might not realize – including special attention to physical and mental or emotional needs.

It’s also important when dealing with physical injuries or “drop”.

WHAT IS SUB/DOM DROP?


When you’re playing around in BDSM, there are often spikes of endorphins and adrenaline (especially if you’re doing something intense). When you crash from this natural high, there is a chance of “drop”. This can include…

  • Can’t calm down or feeling irritable
  • Feeling guilty, worthless, or helpless
  • Feeling tired or lazy
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or feelings of emptiness
  • Problems with appetite
  • Problems with sleep cycle (too much or not enough)
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not go away even with treatment

These feelings can show up right after a scene or anywhere from 24 to 72 hours after (depending on the intensity of the scene and the Dom/sub’s personality, constitution level, or problems they might be going through at that moment.)

Basically, drop is different for each person and for each scene.

SIDE NOTE – One way to help avoid drop is to gradually go into and recede from a scene.

COMMUNICATION FIRST


  • If you are new play partners, you must discuss/share what aftercare is needed.
  • If you’ve played often with your partner, you might just need to quickly double check nothing has changed (or you’ve played often enough that you’re already familiar with the aftercare needed).
  • If you’re new to BDSM, it’s better to start slow and try things that aren’t as intense – you’ll also need to talk during your aftercare to share what works and what doesn’t.

THING TO DO IN AFTERCARE


bdsm after care ideas
  • Taking off all BDSM gear – like blindfold, ropes, or restraints
  • Moving the sub somewhere comfortable and warm (off the floor)
  • Cleaning,  disinfecting, applying medicine,  and dressing any injuries
  • Applying any lotions, aloe, cooling creams etc. to make the body feel better
  • Offering painkillers, vitamins, supplements or antacids to deal with pain, lactic acid build up, or loss of nutrients
  • Wrapping the sub in a blanket or bathrobe to counteract the body’s temperature drop (if you’re worried about your sub overheating, use a breathable fabric or something lose with holes, like a knitted or crocheted blanket).
  • Offer water (don’t force them to drink)
  • Offer chocolate  (if the sub can have it) to take care of blood sugar levels
  • Juice or power drinks are a good alternative to chocolate
  • Hugging, cuddling, caressing
  • A soft and gentle voice from the Dom
  • Reassurance that everything is okay
  • Offering praise
  • Reassurance (if the sub feels awkward about their kinks) that they are normal and their pleasures are nothing to feel ashamed about
  • Offer a reassuring and gentle touch to a part of the body that wasn’t affected by the scene
  • Make sure participants are serene and positive
  • A phone call or meet up a day or two after an intense scene to talk about things and make sure everything is okay
  • Have a warm bubble bath with candles
  • Put the sub in their favorite comfortable clothing
  • Watch a movie the sub likes
  • Journal writing
  • Being left alone to reflect or even meditate

Remember, everyone is different. Some might need very little, while others might need a lot. It’s not for a Dom to judge what’s right or wrong – rather to take care of their sub.

DOMS CAN HAVE DROP TOO


Did you know that Doms sometimes need aftercare too?

Yep.

The stereotype is that Dom’s are strong creatures that don’t need help or reassurance – but this is an unhealthy mentality towards Tops. They are human too, and they can experience fatigue or have a rough day.  The reason people don’t think about Dom aftercare is because they’re so busy taking care of the other person, they’re just starting to learn the craft, or it’s a professional arrangement that is solely focused on the sub.

What can you do?

If you’re practicing BDSM in a relationship, it’s a balance of making sure both parties are happy and calm.  If you’re a professional Dom, you should make sure you have a system in place to take care of your own aftercare – this can be having a friend you can hang out with or call, a partner that can take on the responsibility.

EXTENDED CARE OPTIONS


Remember, a sub might need care for a few days after you’ve played. This can be in the form of a scheduled phone call, video chat, or in-person meet up.

However, there are times where that might not be possible, And that’s where a “babysitter” comes into play – this is someone trusted by both parties to step in for the Dom and offer aftercare based on the sub and Dom’s pre-negotiations.

Extended care is important to maintain good communication, deal with any negative feelings that might pop up, and avoid any toxic behaviors.

QUICK CLOSING


With all things BDSM, every person and every experience is unique. That’s why communication, positive attitudes, and consensual actions are VERY important. So is not judging or forcing your own BDSM beliefs on others.

Also, if you want more useful articles, you might want to check out these…

What’s your go-to aftercare? Fuzzy socks? Long conversations? Share in the comments.

22 thoughts on “BDSM Aftercare 101 – Ways to Care for Your Sub After Play

  1. This was a good and nice insight into the sub.thx

    Could have used more on the Dom role.

    Male or female, true Doms fight with especially psychological need of care too, and subs should realise this. They set aside needs for sub, might feel regret by hurting a sub, or from the act, past etc.

  2. I am a sub, my boyfriend and I are newer to S&M, he is a dom, what can I do as his sub to help him in aftercare?

  3. I get drops which make me sick to my stomach and/or experience shame/humiliation. It will ruin an entire day for me if I cant escape it. What really helps is to be away from the scene and to just lay still on something soft. Im into kitten play so we have a crate or a large dog bed I can lay in.

  4. thank you for all this info, im first time to all this because of my boyfriend and I wanna make sure hes alright after

  5. Can a sub ever realize when they start dropping? Me and my partner are easing into something more intense and I may have dropped when we did something new cause something just felt wrong after it for quite a long while.

  6. What about aftercare for those in a long distance bdsm relationship? Any ideas please, thanks.

    1. for long distance, you could try sharing images and voice messages via whatsapp (free) for reassurance, or send written notes back and forth with your feelings. Good luck!

    2. I like reading to him, he can have a snack or curl up in bed while my voice and a lighthearted story ease him into feeling calm and cared for.

    3. Coming up with a routine together is helpful, so as the scene ends there’s a step by step process. Giving or being given orders for self care, “let me see you drink a glass of water, eat a snack, etc,” can be a good way to ease out of the headspace and feel cared for.

  7. for me and my sub, I carry her like the princess she is we take a bath together then we get fixed up and cozy then watch movies with snacks and cuddle

  8. Thank you for this article. Thanks to it I just discovered that what I’m experiencing now is called a “drop”, and is happening so heavily because I need much more aftercare. I will be mindful to discuss it with any potential play partners.

  9. I am a dom, and me and my sub are both new to this, we are in a male x male relationship and I was wondering how to clean the cum in my sub while they are in subspace.

    1. Hi, my dom and I are in a male × male relationship as well. Baths together are often a good solution. In that way your sub can stay physcially close to you as you get him clean while he exists subspace slowly.

  10. This has been so helpful…my sub and I are new to one another and this article was absolutely perfect. Thank you.

  11. I am a beginner in this and have little experience but it seems i wont have a problem with taking care of aftercare cause a lot of these things are things i do on a regular basis with my partner

  12. Thanks so much for the info. I believe im experiencing a subdrop right now but before i read this, i didnt even know i was in it. Im going to wrap myself in fluffy blankets, take a painkiller, drink lots of water and sleep.

  13. Thanks so much for the tips!
    My aftercare depends on the activities severity, but a go-to of mine is a massage, with warming lube. I have them tell me where it hurts, and we talk about how they feel as I care for them. Bonus is, it typically ends up in a shower LOL

  14. Im in the process of having an aftercare seminar at the club I attend. This has been very insightful and inspiring. I look forward to you writing more on the subject of BDSM. Thank you and have a blessed day.

  15. This is really well written, thank you for including signs of drop as well the example picture of items. I like praise, petting and cuddles. Big thing I have to watch for is making sure I dont read any fanfic that has sad or anxious scenes since Ill feels those emotions as though theyre my own.

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