Art of BDSM Aftercare: Nurturing Your Submissive Post-Play

BDSM practices are often misunderstood, mischaracterized, or sensationalized, but what many don’t realize is that these experiences often hinge on a critical component: aftercare. At the intersection of trust, vulnerability, and mutual respect, aftercare is the bridge that connects emotional well-being to physical satisfaction.

This comprehensive guide aims to shed light on the essentials of aftercare, debunk myths, and provide practical steps to ensure you and your partner have an enriching experience.

The Basics of Aftercare


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What is Aftercare?

Aftercare is the emotional and physical care provided after intense BDSM activities, often referred to as “scenes.” Its primary purpose is to help partners transition back to a normal or baseline state.

Example: After a spanking session, the dominant partner might apply aloe vera gel on the submissive’s skin and hold them in a comforting embrace.

Why is it Important?

Aftercare serves multiple functions, such as emotional reassurance, physical recovery, and relationship building. It’s the essential decompression period that allows participants to process their feelings and experiences.

Example: A submissive might need affirmations and cuddling to offset feelings of vulnerability or objectification.

Useful Glossary of Terms


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Entering the BDSM realm involves learning its unique jargon. Here’s your quick dictionary to catch up on some important terms.

Subdrop

  • Benefit: Emotional Awareness
  • Additional Information: Emotional lows a submissive may feel after intense BDSM activity.

Topspace

  • Benefit: Euphoric Understanding
  • Additional Information: A euphoric psychological state experienced by a Dominant during or after a scene.

  • Benefit: Mutual Agreement
  • Additional Information: The act of willingly agreeing to specific activities or behaviors.

Hard and Soft Limits

  • Benefit: Boundaries
  • Additional Information: Hard limits are boundaries that should never be crossed, while soft limits can be negotiated.

Safeword

  • Benefit: Immediate Stop
  • Additional Information: A predetermined word used to immediately stop a scene for any reason.

Scene

  • Benefit: Role-play Context
  • Additional Information: The planned activity or interaction between the dominant and submissive.

RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)

  • Benefit: Informed Decision Making
  • Additional Information: A principle that emphasizes being aware of and consenting to the risks involved in BDSM activities.

SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual)

  • Benefit: Ethical Framework
  • Additional Information: Another guiding principle in BDSM, stresses that activities should be safe, sane, and consensual for all parties involved.
Excellent description of “drop” and aftercare ideas – YouTube/Watts The Safeword

Components of Effective Aftercare


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Physical Care

Preferred Touch

The type of physical contact your partner finds comforting is paramount. A warm hug, gentle strokes, or even a soft blanket can work wonders.

Hydration and Nourishment

Rehydrate with water or herbal teas, and replenish energy with nutrient-dense snacks like fruit or protein bars.

Emotional Care

Emotional Check-ins

Tailoring the frequency and depth of emotional conversations to suit your dynamic is key. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation. Example: A dominant might ask questions like, “How are you feeling?” or “Was there a moment that made you uncomfortable?”

Myths and Misconceptions


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It’s vital to demystify and clarify various misconceptions about BDSM and aftercare to have an informed practice. Here are some real-life myths and media portrayals that need correction:

  1. Myth: Only the submissive needs aftercare.
    Fact: Both dominants and submissives can benefit from aftercare. Dominants often experience “top drop,” a form of emotional or physical fatigue after a scene.
  2. Myth: BDSM is about pain and humiliation only.
    Fact: BDSM encompasses a broad range of activities and sensations, including but not limited to pain and humiliation. It is rooted in consensual power dynamics.
  3. Media Misrepresentation: Movies like “Fifty Shades of Grey” present BDSM relationships as purely sexual and often neglect the emotional and aftercare aspects.
  4. Myth: Using a safe word means you’ve failed.
    Fact: Safe words are crucial for healthy BDSM play and allow all parties to maintain boundaries without breaking the scene.
  5. Media Misrepresentation: TV shows often depict BDSM as an act of spontaneous passion, ignoring the extensive negotiation and consent that precede a typical session.
  6. Myth: If you’re into BDSM, you’re emotionally damaged.
    Fact: Engaging in BDSM activities doesn’t indicate any psychological issues. It’s a lifestyle choice rooted in mutual respect and consent.

Setting Up an Aftercare Space


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Creating an optimal environment for aftercare is essential for a holistic BDSM experience. Your aftercare space should be an oasis of comfort and safety.

Elements of a Good Aftercare Space

White Noise Machines

  • Benefit: Mental Relaxation
  • Additional Information: A white noise machine can mask any distracting sounds, making the space more serene and helping to calm the mind.

Plush Pillows

  • Benefit: Physical Comfort
  • Additional Information: Pillows offer both aesthetic and functional value. From supporting your back to cradling your head, they make relaxation easier.

Temperature Control

  • Benefit: Physical Well-being
  • Additional Information: The room temperature should be adjusted to suit both parties. This can involve anything from setting up a heater to preparing cooling fans.

Financial Aspects of Aftercare


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There are unlimited choices for what you can choose to include in your aftercare kit. It all depends on your style of play and individual needs. But to give you some ideas, here’s a handy list below to inspire you. Also, you don’t need to go out and buy everything brand new. You probably have some things in your home already (like a trashcan or insulated mug).

Budgeting for Your Aftercare Kit

Item Price Range Why It’s Necessary
Soft Blanket $15 – $50 Comfort and warmth
Scented Candles $10 – $30 Aromatherapy, ambiance, creates a calming atmosphere
Essential Oils $5 – $30 Calming effects, grounding senses
Prepackaged Snacks $5 – $15 Quick energy replenishment
Moisturizer or Lotion $7 – $25 Skin hydration
First Aid Kit $15 – $40 Minor injuries, immediate physical care
Notebook and Pen $5 – $25 For journaling, emotional tracking
Stress Balls $5 – $15 Physical stress relief
Beverages/Water $1 – $5 Rehydration
Headphones $20 – $200 For calming music
Aloe Vera Gel $6 – $15 Soothes skin post-play
Herbal Teas $4 – $10 Calming and hydrating
Soft Towels $8 – $20 Physical cleanliness
Insulated Mug Straw $10 – $30 Hydration
Wet Wipes $3 – $10 Cleanliness
Trash Can $5 – $30 To collect sexual toys and items later for cleaning
Electrolyte Powder $5 – $20 Rehydration and electrolyte balance
Chocolate $2 – $15 Quick energy and comfort
Stuffed Animal $5 – $50 Emotional comfort
Hair Ties or Scrunchies $2 – $10 To keep hair out of the way
Movie Streaming Services $7 – $20/month To watch movies together after to feel closer and relax

Practical Techniques for Aftercare


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Journaling

  • Benefit: Emotional Decompression and Self-Reflection
  • Additional Information: Journaling allows both partners to articulate their thoughts and feelings privately. It can serve as a vital tool for constructive communication during future sessions. Consider dedicating a notebook specifically for aftercare reflections.

Sensory Reconnection

  • Benefit: Restores Physical Awareness
  • Additional Information: Simple activities like a warm shower or smelling essential oils can help someone reconnect with their senses. These actions are particularly useful if you’ve just come out of an intense role-play or subspace experience.

Progress Checklists

  • Benefit: Evaluation of Scene Outcomes
  • Additional Information: Utilizing a checklist allows you to take stock of how the session went. Did you uphold boundaries? Did you hit the emotional marks you aimed for? Use this tool to gauge success and areas for improvement.

Mindful Touching

  • Benefit: Reinforces Intimacy and Connection
  • Additional Information: Take time to explore each other’s bodies gently, focusing on the sensation of touch rather than sexual arousal. This practice not only calms the nervous system but also reinforces your emotional bond.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)

  • Benefit: Reduces Emotional and Physical Stress
  • Additional Information: Known as “tapping,” EFT involves tapping on meridian points on the body. Practicing this can help alleviate stress or anxiety post-scene.

Individual Alone Time

  • Benefit: Personal Processing and Emotional Equilibrium
  • Additional Information: Some people need solitude to process their emotions and thoughts after a scene. Allocate a safe space where either partner can spend time alone if needed.

Health & Safety Guidelines


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Safety should always be a priority in BDSM activities. Always remember: “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.”

Regular Check-Ups

  • Benefit: Physical Well-being
  • Additional Information: Before engaging in BDSM, both parties should have a full physical check-up, focusing on sexual health and overall well-being.

Safe Words

  • Benefit: Emotional and Physical Safety
  • Additional Information: Establish a safe word that can be easily remembered and pronounced even under duress. This word serves as an emergency stop for all activities.

Equipment Safety

  • Benefit: Reduces Physical Risks
  • Additional Information: Ensure that all tools, toys, and equipment are clean and in good condition before use. A damaged rope or faulty handcuff can lead to injuries.

What Can Happen During “Drop”


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There are often spikes of endorphins and adrenaline and other rushes of chemicals (especially if you’re doing something intense). When you crash from this natural high, there is a chance of “drop”. This can include…

  • Can’t calm down or feel irritable
  • Feeling guilty, worthless, or helpless
  • Feeling tired or lazy
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Persistent sadness, anxiety, or feelings of emptiness
  • Problems with appetite
  • Problems with sleep cycle (too much or not enough)
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not go away even with treatment

And, in some extreme cases, there could be thoughts of taking one’s life. If that’s the case, an emergency trip to the hospital is a must and possibly calling a helpline if health services are far away and you need immediate intervention.

YouTube / Ms. Elle X

Emergency Aftercare


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In some cases, a scene may go awry, leading to emotional or physical distress that requires immediate attention.

Psychological First Aid

  • Benefit: Emotional Stability
  • Additional Information: Know the basics of psychological first aid to deal with unexpected emotional upheaval during or after a scene.

Medical Kit

  • Benefit: Immediate Physical Relief
  • Additional Information: A medical kit should include essential items like antiseptics, bandages, and pain relievers to address minor injuries immediately. A side portion of your medical kit can be your ID, insurance, card, emergency cash, or any other items you may need in case something serious happens and a hospital is necessary.

Emergency Contacts

  • Benefit: Quick Assistance
  • Additional Information: Always have a list of emergency contacts readily available, including medical professionals and friends who are aware of your lifestyle.

Here are some ideas of what you might want in your first aid kit. This video is obviously more for general use, but there is a plethora of information.

YouTube / Prepare Every Needful Thing

Long-Distance Aftercare


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The digital age allows for BDSM relationships that span the globe. Here are some ideas on how to navigate aftercare when physical touch isn’t possible.

Virtual Connection

Scheduled Video Calls

  • Benefit: Visual and Emotional Support
  • Additional Information: Video calls provide the closest approximation to being in the same room and are an excellent way to check in post-scene.

Coordinated Activities

  • Benefit: Bonding and Reassurance
  • Additional Information: Doing activities like watching the same movie or playing an online game together can help maintain a sense of connection.

Emotional Validation

  • Benefit: Psychological Support
  • Additional Information: Text-based communication, such as instant messaging or email, can serve as a form of emotional validation when immediate video or voice communication isn’t feasible.

Counseling and Professional Help


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BDSM, like any form of intimate relationship, can bring emotional or mental stress into play. Here are some signs that you or your partner might benefit from professional help.

Signs You May Need Professional Help

Emotional Volatility

  • Benefit: Emotional Stability
  • Additional Information: If you’re experiencing severe emotional highs and lows that don’t resolve through aftercare, it may be time to seek professional help.

Communication Barriers

  • Benefit: Relationship Improvement
  • Additional Information: If communication between you and your partner has broken down, a therapist specializing in BDSM or alternative lifestyles can offer targeted advice.

Persistent Guilt or Shame

  • Benefit: Mental Health
  • Additional Information: If you find that you or your partner are struggling with feelings of guilt or shame that persist well beyond your scenes, professional counseling can provide you with coping mechanisms.

Boundary Violations

  • Benefit: Safety and Consent
  • Additional Information: Frequent or severe boundary violations are a red flag in any relationship. If these occur, consider talking to a professional for advice on maintaining a consensual and respectful dynamic.

Anxiety or Fear

  • Benefit: Emotional Assurance
  • Additional Information: If you or your partner are experiencing heightened anxiety or fear around your activities, this can indicate an underlying issue that may need professional attention.

Dissociation or Emotional Numbness

  • Benefit: Mental Clarity
  • Additional Information: Experiencing dissociation or a sense of emotional numbness during or after scenes can be a sign that something is emotionally or psychologically amiss. Consult a qualified therapist to explore these feelings more deeply.


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Navigating the legal landscape of BDSM can be complex. While the practices between consenting adults are generally accepted, certain activities may border on illegality depending on your jurisdiction.

Benefit: Provides a Legal Safeguard
Additional Information: A signed consent form can act as an extra layer of protection. Although it may not be ironclad legally, it does show that both parties agreed to specific activities.

Public Scenes

Benefit: Adds an Element of Excitement
Additional Information: Public scenes can be thrilling but run the risk of public indecency charges. Make sure you’re aware of the laws in your area and choose locations discreetly. Remember, “public” doesn’t actually mean public. They are safe spaces where anyone that can see what’s going on has consented, eg. sex clubs.

Benefit: Legal Safety
Additional Information: Always make sure that your partner is of legal age for sexual activities in your jurisdiction. The age of consent varies from place to place, so it’s crucial to be informed.

Books and Resources


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Empowering yourself with knowledge is crucial for a fulfilling and safe BDSM experience, including effective aftercare.

“Playing Well With Others” by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

  • Benefit: Community Insights
  • Additional Information: This book offers an in-depth look at navigating relationships and communities within BDSM.

“The Loving Dominant” by John Warren

  • Benefit: Understanding Power Dynamics
  • Additional Information: Aimed primarily at Dominants, this book delves into the responsibilities and nuances of taking on a Dominant role in relationships.

“The New Bottoming Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

  • Benefit: Insight into Submissive Roles
  • Additional Information: A comprehensive guide for those interested in taking on a submissive role, covering everything from emotional dynamics to safety precautions.

“Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns” by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

  • Benefit: Comprehensive BDSM Guide
  • Additional Information: This book is a staple in BDSM literature, covering everything from basics to complex scenarios, making it suitable for both beginners and experienced practitioners.

“The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy” by Violet Blue

  • Benefit: Expanding Horizons
  • Additional Information: This guide helps you safely explore your sexual fantasies, including various types of kink, providing ideas for role-play, toys, and scenarios.

Checklist: Are You Ready for Aftercare?


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When it comes to delving into BDSM, it’s not just about the gear or the role-play. Your emotional and physical well-being are at stake, so make sure you’ve got your bases covered.

Aftercare Readiness Checklist

  • Benefit: Clear Understanding
  • Additional Information: Make sure both you and your partner are clear about what will happen during the scene and what you’re comfortable with.

Safe Word Agreed Upon

  • Benefit: Safety Valve
  • Additional Information: Choose a word that either partner can say to immediately stop the activity.

Aftercare Kit Prepared

  • Benefit: Quick Transition to Aftercare
  • Additional Information: Have essentials like water, snacks, and a first-aid kit readily available.

Emergency Contact Listed

  • Benefit: Quick Help
  • Additional Information: Keep a list of contacts who can help in emergency situations related to your lifestyle.

What Do I Do If My Partner Neglects Aftercare?

Communicate your feelings clearly. If neglect continues, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship, seek professional help, or terminate the relationship entirely.

Conclusion: The Ultimate Guide to Aftercare


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Aftercare is not a footnote in your BDSM experience; it’s the epilogue that helps to close one chapter and prepare you for the next. With the basics and intricacies covered in this guide, you are now equipped to make your aftercare as fulfilling as the scene itself. Trust, communication, and meticulous preparation are your keys to unlocking a gratifying journey in the world of BDSM aftercare.

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Leave a Comment

24 comments

Strawberry 12/29/2022 - 6:35 pm

Hi. In my pass relationships, I’m was always the one in control. It wasn’t like we were in a DS relationship. Now I’m in a DS relationship as the sub and I love it and enjoy it totally but something was off. We are new to this and after I always feel sick, empty, crying, lonely in secret, even though he’s right there. When he asked if I am ok I’ll tell him yes because I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel he did something wrong. This is the reason I google my reactions. So glad I found you. I was really starting to think something was wrong with me. Thank you

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Stephengaskin 02/14/2022 - 5:13 am

Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you writing this post and also
the rest of the website is very good.

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Mr V 11/20/2020 - 12:00 am

This was a good and nice insight into the sub.thx

Could have used more on the Dom role.

Male or female, true Doms fight with especially psychological need of care too, and subs should realise this. They set aside needs for sub, might feel regret by hurting a sub, or from the act, past etc.

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Kimiko 10/22/2020 - 12:00 am

I am a sub, my boyfriend and I are newer to S&M, he is a dom, what can I do as his sub to help him in aftercare?

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Alice 09/22/2020 - 12:00 am

I get drops which make me sick to my stomach and/or experience shame/humiliation. It will ruin an entire day for me if I cant escape it. What really helps is to be away from the scene and to just lay still on something soft. Im into kitten play so we have a crate or a large dog bed I can lay in.

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Caleb 09/20/2020 - 12:00 am

thank you for all this info, im first time to all this because of my boyfriend and I wanna make sure hes alright after

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Mae 09/20/2020 - 12:00 am

Can a sub ever realize when they start dropping? Me and my partner are easing into something more intense and I may have dropped when we did something new cause something just felt wrong after it for quite a long while.

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Lynn 06/26/2020 - 12:00 am

What about aftercare for those in a long distance bdsm relationship? Any ideas please, thanks.

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TJ 07/16/2020 - 12:00 am

for long distance, you could try sharing images and voice messages via whatsapp (free) for reassurance, or send written notes back and forth with your feelings. Good luck!

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Hannah 08/04/2020 - 12:00 am

I like reading to him, he can have a snack or curl up in bed while my voice and a lighthearted story ease him into feeling calm and cared for.

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Belle 11/09/2020 - 12:00 am

Coming up with a routine together is helpful, so as the scene ends there’s a step by step process. Giving or being given orders for self care, “let me see you drink a glass of water, eat a snack, etc,” can be a good way to ease out of the headspace and feel cared for.

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Eli 06/15/2020 - 12:00 am

for me and my sub, I carry her like the princess she is we take a bath together then we get fixed up and cozy then watch movies with snacks and cuddle

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SweetSub31 06/03/2020 - 12:00 am

Thank you! Very well written and informational.

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Blueberry_queen 05/30/2020 - 12:00 am

Thank you for this article. Thanks to it I just discovered that what I’m experiencing now is called a “drop”, and is happening so heavily because I need much more aftercare. I will be mindful to discuss it with any potential play partners.

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Psycho 05/21/2020 - 12:00 am

I am a dom, and me and my sub are both new to this, we are in a male x male relationship and I was wondering how to clean the cum in my sub while they are in subspace.

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Elijah 07/04/2020 - 12:00 am

Hi, my dom and I are in a male × male relationship as well. Baths together are often a good solution. In that way your sub can stay physcially close to you as you get him clean while he exists subspace slowly.

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Dark006 04/30/2020 - 12:00 am

This has been so helpful…my sub and I are new to one another and this article was absolutely perfect. Thank you.

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lanybug21 12/10/2019 - 12:00 am

I am a beginner in this and have little experience but it seems i wont have a problem with taking care of aftercare cause a lot of these things are things i do on a regular basis with my partner

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Vanillamarshmallow 11/24/2019 - 12:00 am

Thanks so much for the info. I believe im experiencing a subdrop right now but before i read this, i didnt even know i was in it. Im going to wrap myself in fluffy blankets, take a painkiller, drink lots of water and sleep.

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DaddysDomme 09/01/2019 - 12:00 am

Thanks so much for the tips!
My aftercare depends on the activities severity, but a go-to of mine is a massage, with warming lube. I have them tell me where it hurts, and we talk about how they feel as I care for them. Bonus is, it typically ends up in a shower LOL

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Hotrod72 07/18/2019 - 12:00 am

Im in the process of having an aftercare seminar at the club I attend. This has been very insightful and inspiring. I look forward to you writing more on the subject of BDSM. Thank you and have a blessed day.

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Jenna 06/21/2020 - 12:00 am

Wow didnt know they had seminar for this. Hopeful to know looking into finding more info

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Sonya 11/24/2020 - 12:00 am

There are clubs?

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sssliver 05/31/2019 - 12:00 am

This is really well written, thank you for including signs of drop as well the example picture of items. I like praise, petting and cuddles. Big thing I have to watch for is making sure I dont read any fanfic that has sad or anxious scenes since Ill feels those emotions as though theyre my own.

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