The First Steps of a BDSM Party – A Basic Guide

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The one thing I’ve noticed in my years of going to kink parties is how new attendees (people who have never gone to any form of sexy party) are really, REALLY nervous – which is not breaking news. What is interesting, and what they all have in common, is they want to know EXACTLY what the first steps of a BDSM party are.

  • What happens when you walk through the doors?
  • Do you wear your clothes?
  • How do you talk to people?

I mean, I get it. Exercising control over a situation can make someone feel safer. The problem is … you never know what’s going to happen at these parties as the night progresses. There might be performances that rock your brain. It might be chill as hell. There could be nasty-ass play or nothing at all.

So, to try and avoid some grey hairs and heart attacks, I’m going to explain what usually happens at the START of the party.

1. READ THE ONLINE RULES

The first steps of a BDSM party begin before you even choose your outfit. Any well-organized party will have an online list of rules. Read them carefully. It should include things like safety, consent, dress code, prices, etc.

2. DECIDE YOUR CLOTHES

Really exclusive parties will have a strict dress code – there’s one in Germany that only allows latex, for example. Most others will be more flexible.  What is usually NOT allowed are things like black jeans and black shirt “cheats” – but considering Amazon sells pretty much anything, you should be spoiled for choice. On a side note, if you plan on wearing high heels, make sure you have comfortable alternatives if you’re tootsies get tired.

3. GET INSIDE

There might be a line. There might not be. However, there will always be someone guarding the door. The most common setup is the first room being for payment and tagging and the next ones being for coat check, change rooms, etc. I know one in Spain where the space in front of the coat check is where people disrobe (in party-public).

4. PAY YOUR FEE

It’s always better to carry cash! This includes your entrance fee AND drinks. I love the ones that have a stamp card and you just pay your tab when you leave.

5. DROP YOUR BAG OFF

Have two bags – one for your general stuff you want to stash away and then a smaller, chic/cool one to keep anything important like condoms, lube, toys, etc.

6. GET INTO THE ACTUAL CLUB

You’re probably gone through three or four rooms by now and have finally made your way to the party floor. Congrats!

7. GET A DRINK & WANDER

If you’re nervous, having ONE drink can take the edge off. But I don’t recommend more until maybe later on. You want to be in the right headspace and have the ability to give consent. So, with your drink in hand, slowly wander around the club/space. Find the bathrooms, see if there are any special play areas, etc. Get comfortable.

8. FEEL THE ENERGY

This was an interesting conversation I had a couple days ago with a friend. With any party, you can feel the collective energy. Maybe it’s really relaxing, possibly really active. The evening can also go through waves. I’ve been in somewhere the charge lasted all night and others where it dropped off early and it really wasn’t worth staying any longer.

9. FIND A SEAT

More often than not, there won’t be much space. People mostly arrive “fashionably late” and if you’re there early, you and your friends can grab a place to sit.

10. LIMITS & INTIMIDATION

No means no! And no, there’s no such thing as someone accidentally grabbing your butt. I had one conversation with one guy and he took it as some kind of signal that he could grab my ass when he walked by. Ew! Be firm and say no. This is NOT a place where people can do whatever they want. I know the default is not to create drama, but the rules are in place for a reason. Go to the DM (Dungeon Master) and explain. The other person will either get a warning or get kicked out (or have the cops called if it’s really bad).

Have any more advice for the first steps of a BDSM party? Share in the comments!

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