Sex Party Tips – Finding Sex Parties and What to Do There

Cartoon woman on sofa.

Credit: Thrillist

Sex parties can be intimidating events. But this simple guide will navigate the sexy waters so you can sit back and enjoy.

Despite what people might think, finding kinky parties really isn’t that difficult.

It’s getting into them that (for the most part) requires some work, especially if you’re new to the scene and are unaware of the protocol. 

You’re going to find yourself sitting on the outskirts – much like an awkward teen at the school dance trying to figure out how to ask the hot girl/guy to dance. And it might not be because it’s a bright, new, scary world for you. Perhaps you’ve moved to another country, even just a new city.

Regardless, the rules stay the same…

You need to prove you’re not a weirdo (at least the bad kind).

Despite what far too many people might think, these are not places where any randy individual can walk in, pick the first warm body, and do whatever they want.

They are gatherings where people can shed their outer facades, relax, and be their truly kinky-self without judgment or danger. They are safe-havens. And what they don’t want is someone barging in with no respect.

“I promise I’m not a creep. How do I get in?”

The first step is a simple one…

JOIN A MUNCH


These are relaxed, vanilla gatherings of like-minded people (whether BDSM, fetish, swingers etc.) in some public place, often a restaurant or pub. They are the heartbeat of the community and the best place to find out about upcoming events.

Clothing is normal, everyday wear – no fetish or over-the-top sexy. If you’re not sure, just wear what you would put on for a nice night out to the movies or dinner. There are also no scenes or playing, so don’t expect anything to happen. At most, someone might try some teasing, but it still needs to be consensual.

You go there, mingle, hang out, and talk. It’s where you let your personality shine through and have your name be known among the regulars. Join a couple of those and you’ll most likely get an invitation to another event.

“Where can I find these magical places?”

Word of mouth is a common method, but if you don’t have any kinky friends in-the-know, the internet is your best friend.

Here are some examples…

SIGN UP ON FETLIFE


Unfortunately, this social networking group gets a bad rap.

It’s SUPPOSED to be a networking site for people to discuss relevant topics, chit-chat, have a public profile that lets people know what you’re about and what you like, and announce events.

Unfortunately…

Every barrel has the inevitable bad apples that drag down the reputation of all the other apples around it. You can get the “bad” pervs and abusers … or worse – the ones that don’t think the rules apply to them, don’t respect the people around them, and just use the site to find free sex or someone to slap around and ignore the safety word because they think “real” BDSM shouldn’t have such things. 

See why people have munches, screening process, and references before an actual invitation?

The good news is there are plenty of decent, caring, delightful FetLife people who work hard to fight against bad members. These groups are the ones you want to get into. Search through Fetlife for parties in your area.

SIGN UP ON KASIDIE.COM


These are focused on swinging and even harder to get into if you’re a single guy – especially because a balance between male and female guests is crucial.

That’s why events often give significant discounts (if they even do admission at all) to women.

It’s easy to say “sex” and have a truckload of dicks show up.

Women are far more cautious and careful about what parties they attended. That’s why, if you’re a dude, you need to either:

A. Bring a female friend or…

B. Build yourself up within that inner circle

NOTE: the site may be free to join but there are extra fees for contacting couples directly etc. I think this is to help weed out people who aren’t serious

FETSTER.COM


I haven’t tried this one yet, but they do have an events page. I’m also assuming it has a similar vibe to Fetlife. If anyone has extensive experience, you can also drop me a line with what you’ve come across.

VARIOUS APPS


Despite the plethora of sexy or kinky apps that help people connect (KinkD, KNKI, Whiplr, or Kinster, just to name a few) there’s still a bit of reservation within the community towards this approach – mainly because they are only for finding people to do the act and nothing with safe discovery, supportive community, or education.

It’s not to say you shouldn’t try them, just be more careful where you end up going. 

You can check out some interesting apps here:

25 Hook Up Apps to Help Cut Through the Sexual Red Tape

WATCH FOR PUBLIC PARTIES


Credit: eventbrite

These are just the straight-up kink clubs the operate either on weekends, bi-monthly, or monthly depending on a number of variables. In places like Tokyo, Berlin, and Amsterdam, there is always some sort of “pay to get in” party.

NOTE: not all of these are sex-acceptable events. Many of them are just kinky costume parties. Make sure you check their list of rules first.

If all else fails, type “Munch/kink/swingers/sex party in [insert city here]” and see what you come up with – just make sure to be safe.

THE ETIQUETTE OF PARTIES


We’ve already covered Munches, but what about the straight-up sex-possible events?

1. Do your research

There’s a large variety out there, so, either find their website or contact the organizer directly so you can learn more.

2. Follow the rules

Look at their website or contact the organizer to learn the dos and don’ts … and follow them – things like attire, items or guests you can bring, the type of play, etc.  If you’re not comfortable with the rules … simple … don’t attend. There are a million more out there.

3. Tend to hygiene!

We’re talking shaved, waxed, plucked, southern man-scaped, perfumed, cologned, hair washed, body washed, stocking with no runs, clothes prepped, teeth brushed etc. 

Treat it like an epic first date, because, sorry, no one’s gonna wanna play with Rank-Richard or Stinky-Sally. This includes making sure your undies aren’t the ones you wear on a Sunday while watching Netflix. 

4. Stay sober

These are not places to get raging drunk and throw up in the bathroom while crying how much you love your friends. These people are mood killers, AND, more importantly, unable to give proper consent. One drink is fine, but any more and people probably won’t touch you with a 10-foot pole.

5. Know your boundaries.

Be keenly aware of what you are and are NOT comfortable doing. If it’s your first party, and you just want to talk or watch, then that’s all you have to do.

6. Know where to put your eyes

This one can be tricky for newcomers (mostly for BDSM clubs and less for swinger parties etc). There’s just so much going on and you might want to watch something.

Basically, if the area is a public space, and fun-times are happening, it’s a clear, open invitation to watch. However, any spaces that are a bit more private are usually areas you shouldn’t go into and stare (without a direct invitation). This is a bit different for swinger parties, though. These usually mean pairing off with someone and doing your thing.

7. Be open-minded

You’re going to see a lot, and it might all be your cup of tea. Maybe seeing a guy sucking on a woman’s toes makes your stomach churn. In these cases, just look/move someplace else and keep your opinions to yourself. These are places for everyone. You don’t have to love everything, but you certainly shouldn’t judge or bring down the mood of the party.

8. Don’t touch what’s not yours

There’s an (often) unspoken rule at kink parties that you don’t touch other people’s toys or implements without permission, even if it’s just to take a peek out of curiosity. Just like people, you should ask first. This is to maintain a decent level of hygiene. No one wants to stick a vibe up their whoo-haw after someone’s been pawing at it.

If you are interested in adding a sex toy to things, just bring your own. Magic wands are always a good bet because they are showy (make sure you clean it when/if you change partners. You can also try an app-controlled toy for the wow-effect.

Want toys that will impress everyone? Check out these…

9. No Drama!

This goes for getting drunk, trashing stuff, not respecting people, yelling/crying that your man/woman kissed another member – whatever. It’s a sure fire way to never be invited again. 

10. Learn to take rejection well

With so many people, there will be a mix of what attracts you and what doesn’t. The same goes for other people. Maybe you take the plunge and ask someone to play. Maybe they say no thanks. Don’t get offended make a big deal of things. It’s not a shot at your attractiveness or you as a person in general.

There are dozens of reasons why people say no, and not all of them are about you. S’ok. Just move on and try your luck with someone else.

CONSENT IS PARAMOUNT


There might be a small chance of an a-hole getting in, especially with “open to the public” parties. These individuals might pressure their targets into giving personal information, doing something, going somewhere, or just acting inappropriately towards people.

One of my articles about the Department H party in Tokyo has a detailed example you might want to read.

Check it out here. Hint: “If I see a booby, I touch a booby.”

If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, just tell them you do not consent. Any normal, well-adjusted member will back off with no offense or drama.

If the person doesn’t get it, find a host or hostess (most of them will have someone in charge) and have them help take care of it. They are probably the ones that greeted you when you first came in. If the host or hostess isn’t around, use your safe word.

If that doesn’t work, YELL your safe word (if you don’t have one, just yell “RED”). ANY nearby Domme/Dom/Bouncer will be there in sections to help.

Need safe word ideas? Check out this article:

Good Safe Words and Uses in Media

Stepping into the world of sex parties might seem like a lot of work, but it’s worth taking those extra steps to find a place you can truly relax and have fun.

Any other sex party tips you want to add? Share in the comments!

25 thoughts on “Sex Party Tips – Finding Sex Parties and What to Do There

  1. Im new to the seen. I would like to know where to go to find what Im looking for at one of these parties

  2. So where exactly do you find a munch? I’m a 24 year old guy and my girl is 23. I would say we’re both attractive and fit from being college athletes. I want to join with an older “attractive” couple. Is there a munch for people like that?

  3. Thank you for the info. My wife and I have been exploring, having been together for 15 years.

  4. Robyn,
    Really good, responsible and normal-sounding advice; a great service to us, who have to work at feeling ok about whatever this capricious body says it wants.

  5. This was alot of help. i’ve been thinking of getting into this for awhile but just didn’t really know the etiquette and i certainly don’t wanna be the a-hole that shows up. Lol,thanks again.

  6. I’m experienced in my mind but not in person well a little I don’t know anyone so how would I meet someone to take me alone and what about like sex slave or public sex Shamming which I would love to try

    1. Finding a munch to join and like-minded people to talk with and learn from is a good first step. Education and building trust is essential before finding someone specifically to play with. Don’t jump that step or rush things.

    2. Well im just out of a hard relationship really looking for no strings attached lots of fun i definetly would escort you there im 39 year young attractive man with morals of course

    3. Rachel, not sure where you live. I too am interested in these parties but b/c I’m not in a relationship I’d feel weird going on my own. And I have zero clue how to meet people who are part of this scene. Wish you were in the Memphis area b/c we could totally go together.

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