The 101 of BSDM Dating – The Pros and Pitfalls of Kinky Romance

I was thinking about BDSM and how it differs (or is the same) to vanilla dating. But when I looked online to see other’s views, I found it was mostly “check out these great BDSM dating apps”. Nothing of real substance or usefulness.

So, I decided to throw my two cents worth in…

HOW IT’S DIFFERENT/SAME


I’ve been in the BDSM scene for years now and while normal dating has a lot of similarities, there are things that other people will never have to deal with. Here’s what I came up with (on both sides)…

  • There can be first-date jitters
  • You have to communicate better and clearer
  • There are still “games” (not the fun kind)
  • You have to be prepared for more creeps or thirsty boys/girls
  • You need a far more open mind
  • Sex is more to the forefront
  • You will have “newbies” looking to explore
  • You have to be/take more responsibility
  • It involves more research and knowledge
  • Being kinky is not a guarantee of a good match
  • Yes, there are such things as “good/bad matches” in this world

Let’s take a closer look at a few of these concepts…

COMMUNICATION

Dating already involves lots of communication. However, since you’re adding things about your kinky life, you need to be all the more upfront about what you are and like. You’ll still have people pretending they are something they’re not, or putting their best foot forward only to get what they want (which is also the same on the non-kinky side).

MORE AWARENESS

Since you’re going to be doing things that might involve more trust or placing yourself in a compromising situation (e.g. bondage), you have to be more alert and on the lookout for red flags.

IMPLIED HOOKUPS

Since a lot of kinky people are more open or laid back about sex, many might think that a first date will always include some form of play. If that’s not your style, that’s totally okay. Make it clear from the beginning you need time to know the person. Even if I’m just going to tie someone (with no sexual contact or relationship), I still have coffee with them one or two times to feel the vibes.

RESPONSIBILITIES

The BDSM world requires you to know as much as possible about the kink you’re practicing and the safety around it. This doesn’t mean you have to know everything immediately, but make sure you let the other person(s) know your “level” or experience so you can adjust things accordingly.

ABOUT THE APPS

There are a ton of apps, but like normal dating apps, people don’t always follow the rules or look at what the target audience is – meaning, you’ll find kinky people on regular apps and vanilla people on kinky apps. It can be frustrating. Make your bio clear and be prepared for the normal “app bullcrap” that comes with any platform.

PROS AND CONS


  • Sex talk can be more relaxed
  • You might encounter vanilla people exploring
  • Woman have to be more safety aware
  • Some people can misinterpret kink/BDSM
  • There can be harsh judgment
  • Encounters don’t have to be just dinner
  • First kisses are way easier
  • You need to be responsible for your own safer sex
  • More casual dating/sex increases the risks of STIs
  • You might learn something new
  • You might find yourself part of a community

Want more interesting articles? Check out these…

Have any other BDSM dating advice or insights? Share in the comments!

0 thoughts on “The 101 of BSDM Dating – The Pros and Pitfalls of Kinky Romance

  1. And I swear I am quite rational by nature. Maybe caring about what they think about you in the everyday affects your ability to let go in session, or process barriers in session? Best to separate SO and kink buddies in my opinion (part 2/2)

  2. The consequences of pushing a limit (mental or physical) are much more intense and impactful when there is also romantic or platonic relationship in the equation. It definitely has a way of making me question everything so much more and take things more personally than I ever do. Part 1/?

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