This isn’t the first time I’ve done this.
But the beauty of magazines like Cosmo and Men’s Health, there is ZERO shortage of weird advice to dissect with a note of incredulity.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But all you do is write “weird stuff” day in and day out.”
And this is true, but I like to think I categorize things into packages that help people understand what goes where and who might like it or not – as opposed to the Cosmo approach of “all women must do this if they want to snag a man.”
So, here are 10 “tips” that I will relentlessly tear apart for your amusement…
1. “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.”
Well, it seems we’re coming out of the gate hot.
Do some dudes like it firm/rough? Definitely.
But who in their right mind just assumes this right off the bat and starts practicing sports on someone’s genitals? It needs communication and build-up, not turning into Great Aunt Bertha who hasn’t seen her “little guy” in six months and goes in for a traumatizing cheek pinch.
2. “Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”
Omg. Is this like episode two of the grapefruit video? Sure, some people like food or messy play. But can you imagine whipping it out and the girl running back with a box of Dunkin?
3. “The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt—at least for mice. The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet—and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a ‘junk food diet,’ according to a new study out of MIT.”
It took a few moments to process this. So, they’re saying, “Eat yogurt to have bigger balls and therefore be sexier”?
I need to go sit down. Excuse me.
4. “If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.”
Imagine going on a Tinder date and the person suddenly licks your hand! Was this suggested pre-COVID? Was the person wholly unaware of how dirty the hands are? Do they not see how it’s just icky in general? It sort of feels like a trolling set-up for failure and a moist-horror reaction from the receiver.
5. “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
This is just peppered (heehee) with all sorts of WTF.
I’m genuinely curious to see if anyone has tried this and not been turned off by the layers of spittle that they got showered with after – and possibly other fluids.
I hate sneezing, so maybe it’s just me?
6. “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.”
Does anyone remember that old commercial with the guy pinpointing seizures through old-timey brain surgery? “Dr. Penfield I smell burnt toast!”
True, certain smells can be total turn-ons, but I wouldn’t go rushing off to the toaster oven when you feel like getting frisky. Plus, if someone can only get randy with the scent of crispy bread, maybe they should see a real doctor.
7. “As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.”
The hell! This is nearly up there with the penis-pinching advice. Soft nibbles and bites? Sure!
But of rough play? If it’s consensual, why not!
But ladies (and gents), do NOT go all sadistic cowgirl. Sigh. Where do people come up with these things?
8. “Surprise your lover by inviting your friend over and wearing a horse and bear mask as soon as they come in.”
Okay…Okay. There are people who might like kinky threesome with a bit of mask play. I can totally see it – and there are probably millions of porn clips out there with just this.
But WHY specifically a horse and bear mask? Was there any communication about the desire for a threesome ahead of time? Or is someone going to walk in thinking there are weird-ass thieves running around naked.
9. “Nestle his dick in your armpit.”
I met someone who was into this!
I had no idea at the time but it was something about anime or hentai-related. “The more you know”, right?
But getting back to being judgmental and bitchy … Really, talk about it first. It’s a place people aren’t used to using for pleasure so it might freak the normies out a little.
10. “Drizzle some honey between your legs.”
I LOVE licking sweet stuff off of skin. Yummers.
But the serious side of me needs to warn about what happens when stuff like that gets too close to the private bits. It can cause yeast infections etc. And it won’t work if someone is vegan. Not a bad idea, but it just needs a disclaimer added to it.
Any other weird sex tips you’ve read in online magazines? Share in the comments