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Here’s a collection of some of the most terrible sex advice you’ll ever see. Great ready with the brain bleach.

1. BITE THE CLIT

No! I mean, sure a nibble if you’re into some BDSM pain. But for the most part, nooooo!

2. VAGINAS COME IN TWO SHAPES

Apparently this one was from a sex toy seller that thought vagoos were a triangle or square shape because of the shape of two of the products he sold.

3. MASTURBATE WITH A POPSICLE

The idea is to pleasure yourself and then invite him to gown down on you or fuck you. This is a horrible idea for two reasons – first, the sugar WILL give you a yeast infection and second, that kind of cold is not good for the sensitive skin within the vaginal canal. There are many safe ways to do temperature play.

4. PEE INSIDE HER

Some than-than-bright light bulb (more than one in fact) thinks that the “chemicals” of your pee will kill sperm. Sigh.

5. PULL OUT ANAL BEADS HARD & FAST

You can pull anal beads out with some speed, but certainly not like you’re pulling on a lawnmower cord or if the person isn’t used to anal play.

6. HOT WATER KILLS SPERM

Tea bag yourself by dipping your testicles into very warm water to “kill the sperm” so you can have unprotected sex – Aside from it being obvious BS, do these people not give a crap about STIs?

7. PULL OUT, ONLY PART WAY

I heard this was a father to son piece of advice – that if you pull out ¾ of the way, the sperm won’t reach its destination … says the father to the offspring.

8. ADD SODA DOWN THERE

For the love of frigging god, people – sugar in the vagina is BAD. How many times do we have to say this? If your partner doesn’t like the taste of your vagina (which is ok, many ladies don’t like the taste of dick), then just use a dental dam or flavored lube that’s body-safe.

9. DON’T INITIATE SEX

Some “old school” advice that women should never make the first move. Bah, I say!

10. TEETH+PENIS=PLEASURE

Noooo! That’s right up there with biting the clit. Yes, there IS cock and ball torture. However, that is only practiced on someone who enjoys it – not a general assumption about every male. No nibbles unless he enthusiastically consents.

11. FINISH AT THE SAME TIME.

Some people think if you orgasm at the same time (during unprotected sex), you won’t get pregnant. Wroooooong.

12 MINTY FRESH

Is Cosmo getting so desperate? Yes, peppermint will give you a boost – it invigorates and wakes you up. But so will some great foreplay. If you really wanted to do this because you both love the smell, get some safe essential oil and mix it with a base oil, then lightly dab it like a perfume or even apply like massage oil.

13. ALWAYS ADD A FINGER UP THERE

P-spot stimulation (during or not during penetrative/oral sex) can be pleasurable for some men. But, just like ladies, not everyone likes it. Ask before you start poking – and make sure you know what you’re doing when you actually insert.

no permission, no finger up the bum

14. BODY POSITION FOR PREGNANCY

The whole “lying down to get pregnant vs standing up or jumping to let it ‘drain’ out little gem previous generations have passed on. Hint … it doesn’t work.

15. SEX CHEMISTRY DOESN’T MATTER

It does matter for a lot of people – a handful might get into relationships where sexual chemistry isn’t a priority. However, take this example and have a long hard think about what YOU need in a relationship.

16. ADD A DONUT TO A BLOWJOB

I thought the grapefruit video was weird enough (and I’m already a weird person), but this viral piece of advice when into detail about taking a donut, putting your partner’s penis through it and licking and eating etc.

17. GIVE HIM FRICTION BURN

Remember when you were young and someone took their hands around your arm and twisted each hand hard in the opposite direction? I think my generation called them Indian burns (racist I know). But why in hell would you do that to someone’s dick? CBT maybe, but otherwise…ouch.

18. LET HER HIDE HER BODY

Turn off the lights, let her cover her body, cut a hole in the sheets – all because women think their bodies are ugly. Yuck to this idea.

19. OUTDOOR SEX IS THE BEST

Although you CAN have sex outdoors – the idea is more of a quickie or oral sex, even in a tent. Not a full session rolling around the dirt. I mean I guess if you’re on your own private property and you’re not risking sunburn, poison ivy, or bug bites…maybe. I can speak to this one first hand (especially the bug bites).

20. RHINESTONES ROUND YOUR NIPPLES

Something about a sparkly bullseye.

21. PULL LIKE HE’S A COW

No…that’s NOT how you give a handjob – every man (just like every woman) is different in what they like. Communication is the key.

22. MAKE HIM A SNACK AFTER

This isn’t the 1940’s. Even the magazine that published it had to retract it and write an apology.

23. DIRTY TALK EVERYWHERE

In the supermarket, was one of the funnier places I came across – “these melons are so ripe, it makes me want to tear off your shirt and motorboat your boobs.” Ahahahahahha….no. Dirty talk is GREAT if done in the right place and at the right time.

24. PLAY SCARY MOVIES

I giggled at this one – the idea is that the screams would mask your moans … lol. Not so much terrible as just silly advice.

25. DARKNESS AND ICECREAM

Feeding each other ice cream in bed when it’s pitch black and licking whatever drips and smears everywhere will not only ruin your bedsheets but ice cream is frigging cold. There is, however, a kink called “sploshing” but it’s an entirely different kink – with a way easier clean up.

burrrrr, and messy

26. PUSH THE SHAFT BASE IN

No, because if you’re trying to give a blow or handjob, you’re literally just pushing his penis back into his body. Nope. It will probably be more painful than anything.

27. HAVE A HUGE MEAL FIRST

Something about getting stamina for long sessions.  Should you eat healthily? Yes. Should you hydrate? Yes. Should you fill up on buffet just before bed? No, bouncing might lead to barfing.

28. USE HAIR DYE

I had to stare at this one for a while to let it sink in. One girl suggested dying your hair, and while it was still wet, have sex. Sweetie, that tingling you’re feeling everywhere are chemicals! Aside from the horrible stains, what about allergies to the other person. Imagine it getting in your mouth eyes…or worse.

29. DOUBLE WRAP YOUR CONDOMS

No! This actually makes them LESS effective.

30. USE A TURKEY BASTER

“Flush the semen out of your vagina immediately after sex so you don’t get pregnant” – Sigh. Another “gem” that has landed couples with surprise babies.

31. GIRL ON TOP = NO BABIES

If the turkey baster isn’t going to work, you really think this will?!

32. MAKE HIM SNEEZE

Ugh, someone started a rumor that putting pepper under his nose just before he comes will give him a stronger orgasm. First, that’s hard to time. Second, you’ll get covered in sneeze juice. Third, it just doesn’t work that way!

33. MASTER HIS/HER BITS

I added this one as a general “bad piece of advice” because there were so many “techniques you had to master” to please your partner. You know what the real key is? Communication – talking about what you both like and don’t like and building a road map to their particular pleasure zones.

34. PLAY BOOB TENNIS

I won’t get into the LONG guide I read, but the general idea was to bounce his dick back and forth between your breasts … are we that desperate for new foreplay? Is it something comparable to men liking to slap their shafts against a woman’s pussy (more porn again). I just don’t get it.

35. USE SILICONE LUBE FOR MASSAGES

No. Silicone has its uses (like on certain sex toys or anal play) but people don’t realize how hard that shit it to take off – and it WILL stain your sheets. Just get normal massage oil.

36. IF HE’S HAPPY, HE’S CHEATING

Even I’ve written an article about “signs of cheating” – but the MAIN point is that one or two “flags” on their own doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It’s when many boxes on the list are checked off that you should have an open and honest discussion about what’s going on.

Happiness or taking more showers doesn’t always mean someone is cheating

37. POP ROCKS

I remember this one going around. With a woman, it’s a no-no (remember what I said about sugar?), for men … I think it would be painful. If you’re a masochist …who knows. Still, there are other ways to get kinky.

38. SLAP HER VAG

Porn is fine for stimulation – not for recreation. Having a guy lick his hand and then slap your nether regions is not a turn on for most women.

39. KEEP GOING, EVEN IF IT HURTS

I hear this one for not just anal sex but for any kind of sex. NO! Pain means stop! And if you want pain you better be educated in SSC and RACK practices – and if you don’t know what those mean … that means you need to educate yourself.

40. STAY UNDER 5

“If you sleep with over five men in your life, no man will respect you” – another piece of advice that can go in the garbage.

Also, if you want more articles, you might want to check out these…

• 11 Scary Vagina Facts That Will Make You Squirm
• Penile Fractures – Learn How to Not Break Your Boner
• Oral Sex STDs 101 – Things to Know Before Opening Your Mouth

Which of these shocked you the most? Share in the comments!