First, I’m going to preface that this is not an “If you see some of these things happening, he’s 100% cheating on you.” – on their own, they can have different motivations (like working out at the gym suddenly because the doctor told him he needs to lose weight etc.)
This also isn’t a “You’ve just started dating” list – there are different red flags for that one.
It’s more of an “If you see many/most of these things happening, it might be time for a serious sit-down and long conversation.”
1. ON HIS PHONE/TECH MORE THAN USUAL
This is all relative, he could be on his phone a lot anyway, or maybe there’s a period of work that requires it, even a friend is going through a tough time. So, it might be hard to notice. But if there’s an obvious, drastic change, it might be something to tuck in the back of your brain to see if it couples with other things.
2. DRASTIC APPEARANCE CHANGES/CARE
Maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Maybe it’s a phase.
Or maybe he wants to impress a new woman – from clothing to hygiene habits. My ex had two reasons for shaving – one, so his mother didn’t complain during family visits or two, he was going to have sex with someone. One friend had never seen her partner have shaved pubes, but all of a sudden things are trimmed and clean … and not for her.
3. WORK IS “REALLY” BUSY RIGHT NOW
Yes, there are crunch periods at some companies – lawyers, accountants, game designers, but it might be him wanting to spend time with someone else.
4. INTIMACY CHANGES IN EXTREMES
This can be cutting off all sexual contact, most sexual contact, and even simple intimacy … or going in the other direction of wanting more. Either the affair is giving him extra libido or he’s detaching from you.
5. HIS “ALONE TIME” NEEDS HAVE CHANGED
Some people need alone time, but if he has increased… a lot … and he’s not telling you why, it might be worth asking.
6. HE KEEPS HIS SPENDING HABITS A SECRET
For me, this is a HUGE red flag. If you’re in a relationship and you’re finances are going towards a common goal of housing, bills, children etc., there should be no financial secrets. If he does it ones because he’s hiding a birthday gift he’s bought for you, okay. But if it’s often … well …
7. PICKS FIGHTS OR HAS MAJOR MOOD SWINGS
This can be from either guilt of the affair or trying to pick a fight to make you the “bad guy” – and possibly an easy out of the relationship.
8. HE GETS ANGRY IF YOU ASK IF HE’S CHEATING
I remember asking this the first time to an ex, and he got REALLY angry. Little did he know, his messages had popped up in the middle of the night and were on his screen. Conversely, when I asked a different partner I had later, he handed me his phone and said, “This is my password, you can look at it any time you want, you don’t even have to ask me.” There was no anger.
Asking several times, I can see the other person getting annoyed, but the first time? No, anger is a red flag.
9. THE ROUTINE CHANGES
Another hard one to tell if their routine is already over the place, but if work changes, exercises changes, friendship outings change, it could be to free up time to coincide with someone else.
10. YOU SMELL A DIFFERENT WOMAN/MAN
Yes, we will be inclusive. You know your perfumes and colognes. A new smell (that you haven’t change your detergent or the gym hasn’t changed their body wash) could be a clue.
11. PHONE INTO THE BATHROOM
Sorry for the graphic details, he could be taking a long poop. Or he could be finding someplace private to chat.
12. DRASTIC CHANGE OF INTERESTS
Possibly to match the interests of the new person they are interested in. Maybe, yes, he wants to try something new. But many changes and very out of their personality? Hmmmmm
13. THINGS ARE GREAT ALL OF A SUDDEN
They don’t want you suspicious or any reason for a fight. It’s a distraction to make it easier to get away with the affair. Because, let’s be fair, under normal circumstances, most partners go from mildly warm to super nice when they want something or know they’re in trouble.
14. NEW GROUP OF FRIENDS & YOU’RE NEVER INVITED
This is because that person they are with is part of that group, and having you there would reveal the secret.
15. LESS PUBLIC DATING
This also ties into the “new group of friends” – if your social circle, town, or area is small, maybe he doesn’t want to risk the other person seeing you together. This is either because YOU are a secret or he doesn’t want confrontation and the truth to come out.
I will say this once more – one or two of these things might mean nothing. Even a couple of things happening at different times and then going back to normal.
But if you see many/all of these happening around the same time … you need to have a sit-down. Whether or not he will be honest about it is a different story, but you’ll need to at least let him know you suspect something and see how you can move forward
How? It’s completely personal and unique to each couple – truth, more lies, long periods of distrust, therapy, breaking up.
Want more useful articles? Maybe you’ll find these interesting…
- 25 Things Not to Do During Sex – Break Your Bad Sexual Habits Now
- 50 Suggestions for International Day of Happiness – Sex Edition
- STD Test Kits – The Positives and Negatives From Testing at Home
Anything you want to add? Share in the comments!