I won’t lie.
My sex life, at best, has been an infuriating rollercoaster of lustful highs and barren lows.
I was a late bloomer in the intercourse department, ended up marrying the guy I lost my virginity to, and found out far too late that he wasn’t into the kinky thing I was … and pretending the entire time just because he was scared I would find someone else.
And that’s just the tip of the sex-iceberg.
THE LOWEST OF THE LOW
I could David Copperfield this whole thing and tell you from start to finish how my sex life slowly went down the drain (even while working at a sex toy company), but it would probably just end up sounding like a long list of complaints about bad past lovers … which could be some fun tea to spill another day, but not now.
I will, however, share when I hit rock bottom and was reborn in the flames of passion.
It had been four years with the worst partner I had ever had.
His ego was more fragile than a butterfly wing, and every flaw he tried to cover up with the idea that he was a polyamorous sex god who couldn’t figure out why ladies didn’t flock to him – it must have been everyone else’s fault.
How did I end up with someone so toxic?
He put up an excellent front in the beginning, making me think he was the perfect guy.
After two years, it started to go down the drain.
After four years, he had cleaned out my life savings.
He left me while I was in the hospital after trying to take my own life – and left a “bye” note on the chore board, but not before taking all the things that were most important to him … all the gaming stuff, his computer, and every condom in the house.
I had already been fragile and scared from my divorce. I was stuck in a new country and all my money tied up in an apartment he had his name on. And with the four years of him whittling away at my self-esteem, I felt like I didn’t deserve anything better and was too scared to leave or be alone.
THE TURNED AROUND
Well, when a therapist flat-out tells the other person that they are lazy when another shrink says that your partner might not be someone healthy to stay with, and when every friend is begging you to send the guy to dump-town, well, even the most lost can finally start listening.
It might sound simple, but I decided that the stress of being alone, the struggle of living in a new country, and an unknown future were far better than the ultra-poisonous situation I was trapped in.
This is where the middle finger came in.
To be specific…
Lots of therapy to be able to give “said finger”.
It’s simple in concept but challenging in practice – Loving yourself and knowing you are worth having good people in your life, and settling for nothing less.
This included a rich, fulfilling sex life.
HOW I PUT IT INTO PRACTICE
There were a few things I did that really helped.
- I set boundaries with the people around me. If they didn’t respect them, they ceased to be in my life. One example was a guy I was chatting with who kept asking for sexy pictures. We had a few fun exchanges, but it started to feel like I was just a source of free porn for him. I told him no more for now … and disappeared. Good riddance.
- I tried dating another guy, he turned toxic too and I ditched him immediately (something I would have never been able to do in the past because I was all about second, fifth, eightieth chances).
- I brief flame from my past started chatting with me again. He suddenly disappeared, and I no longer give a shit because there are people more deserving of my time.
- I wrote very specific notes in my dating bio – that I don’t put up with guys trying to get free jollies, I’m not an “older woman with experience” for you to bone, and other similar boundaries. Wow, did the messages dry up fast. But that’s ok! Because anyone who messages now is someone I probably want to talk to. Bitchiness can be the perfect filter.
- I cultivated the relationships with my emotionally healthy sex partners that I had neglected when I was at my low.
- I stopped being afraid of people leaving my life.
- I pretty much took a figurative, ruthless hatchet to my world.
HOW DID THIS HELP MY SEX LIFE?
Having good people in your life makes all the difference.
These are people who are chill and understanding if I have to cancel pillow dates at any time because I’m just not feeling into things. They are people who always invite me over and never get offended when my “nos” are higher than my “yeses”, they also care about me as a human being.
Cutting all toxicity out of my life reduced the number of bad chemicals ravaging my body – things that are instant libido killers. On top of that was learning to be grateful for the things I had and taking steps towards mindfulness.
Side note, mindfulness during sex is awesome.
Learning to be on my own again, and taking control of my life in a healthy way boosted my confidence in all areas … and confidence is sexy.
Remembering that there are literally thousands of people out there to find if the one I was with wasn’t working out.
Essentially, I give the middle finger to anything in the world that isn’t good for me. And if those things get butt hurt or throw tantrums or dis me on social media, who cares. The people that are closest to me know the truth and they are the gems and the opinions I care about.
But not in a “giving up” way.
Stop caring about people leaving you or judging you. No matter how you slice it, everyone’s life is made up of others coming and going out of our spheres – so why not set more boundaries and take more control of who you allow to circle you in your solar system?
Stop caring about the external and focus on the internal. You are worthy of love and happiness – whatever that is. You are worthy of passion and connection.
So get that middle finger ready.
Anything else you want to add? Share in the comments!