Why Can’t I Orgasm? 17 Culprits That Keep You from The Big O

Why Can't I Orgams article header, Man and woman unhappy in bed

 

Everyone will have orgasm issues at some point.

 

One time and it can be brushed off. But if it happens again and again, that’s when we start to freak out.

 

“Am I broken? Is my vagina/dick broken?!”

 

But don’t worry. You’re not alone.

 

Here are some reasons why you lads and ladies might be having problems:

 

 

1. THE CLIT GETS NO LOVE


 

Animation, Clits have feelings tooLet’s face it - some women just can’t have the big O through traditional, missionary, vanilla intercourse.

 

Besides, the C-spot has WAY more nerve endings that then vagina.

 

Concentrate on that spot - this can be through oral sex, vibrators, or sex positions that give the clit more stimulation.

 

 

2. YOU HAD ONE BUT DIDN’T KNOW IT


 

Not all climaxes are a pile of fireworks exploding on a military munitions depot.

 

Some are small, gentle, but still pleasurable.

 

They’ve been described as:

 

  • A constant build up, then a big release
  • A hot tingle, a swell, then an explosion
  • Butterfly wings
  • Electricity or lightning up the spine

 

 

3. YOU CHANGE THINGS UP TOO MUCH


 

Gif, man jumping off a bed onto a womanIt’s not synchronized sex for the Olympics.

 

Switching positions too often takes away the steady stimulation needed for your key happy places. Have a go at your favorite position for longer.

 

 

4. PUT MORE TIME INTO THE RIGHT SPOTS


 

News flash. There are more than two erogenous zones.

 

Find them and have your partner give them ample attention.

 

How about you try ...  nap of the neck, lips, ears, scrotum, Perineum, eyes (responding to visual stimuli), cervix, feet, and ...

 

The brain - the largest sexual organ - the bridge between our physical, visual, and emotional responses. 

 

On the other hand...

 

 

5. THERE'S NO FEEDBACK


 

You can’t expect your partner to read your mind - and this ends up a huge problem for many couples.

 

You’ll have to find ways to communicate you like and don’t like - and DURING sex, not after. Experiment, learn each other's bodies (or re-learn them if you've been together a while).

 

 

6. THE G-SPOT IS FOREIGN 


 

Diagram to show where the g-spot is

Stimulating the g-spot can bring on some pretty intense reactions.

 

It’s not a failsafe emergency button if she can't orgasm. However, it’s not something to be brushed aside.

 

G-SPOT LOCATION: about two inches inside the vagina, on the anterior wall.

 

The catch? You won't be able to go for it until she's already aroused. And, although you can sometimes feel it before it's engorged (it will have a different texture, more spongy, than the surrounding tissue), it will be easier to find if she's excited. 

 

Then, you make a gentle but firm "come hither" motion with your fingers.

 

Work that until she screams with pleasure.

 

 

7. THE P-SPOT IS A MYSTERY


 

Diagram to show where the prostate isProstate stimulation can make orgasms stronger.

 

And, if you’re a dude having O-issues, it might be the key to helping you fall over the edge (in a big way).

 

Also, if you’re the kind of guy that freaks out over the idea of bum play …

 

Sigh. You don’t know what you’re missing.

 

 

8. MASTURBATION IS GETTING IN THE WAY


 

Open hand with the word JILL spelled across the fingersIf he’s jerking off too much (or even watching too much porn) he can get overstimulated.

 

Either that or he’s squeezing his snake like a vice grip and shaking it too hard.

 

Easy solution?

 

Reset your baseline by refraining from porn and Jill action for a couple weeks.

 

 

9. YOU NEED TO RELAX


 

Stress will kill just about any good mood.

 

Cause stress is an asshole.

 

Worrying about bills or even the sex itself ends up really counterproductive (I’ll also throw in “distraction” too). To combat this, have your own mantra to bring about whenever the anxiety appears.

 

  • “I have all the time in the world.”
  • “I don’t need to rush.”
  • “It feels good. That’s all that matters.”
  • “It’s okay if I don’t have one.”

 

Whatever works for you.

 

 

10. YOU NEED TO NOT RELAX


 

 

Yes, it’s a bit of a contradiction – being told to relax during sex but tensing at the same time.

 

This just means using the right muscles to help achieve orgasm. Aka – Kegel muscles.

 

Tensing this area (as well as buttock, thigh, and leg) is another way to help bring on the big O.

 

This means no star-fishing.

 

 

If you want to know more Kegel info, this article has tons:

The Complete Guide to Ben Wa / Kegel Balls

 

 

11. YOU CAN'T RELINQUISH CONTROL


 

And I don’t mean in the ways we just talked about.

 

Some people just don’t know how to let go. (I swear to god, if anyone starts singing Frozen I’ll vag/dick punch them).

 

We control our schedules down to the minute. We steer hunks of metal down busy highways. We micromanage our lives (and sometimes other’s) to be successful…

 

… Or just to avoid living in a cardboard box under a freeway next to a homeless man named Stabby Stan.

 

There are moments when you HAVE let go of all that control:

 

  • a funny movie that made your snort or pee your pants
  • a kind gesture that left you speeches
  • a beautiful moment that grabbed you by the crotch and didn’t let go

 

Find ways to release that grip on you and your surroundings.

 

 

12. THERE'S NO FANTASY


 

Think sexy thoughts. Try some role play. Change it up a bit to add a bit more passion or spice back into your sex life. 

 

Because, for most people, the trade-off for a long-term relationship, is that the intense passion goes out the door and we get into our comfort zones. And, while that comfort and intimacy can be nice, we might forget that our partners need to feel special.

 

Need ideas to bring the passion back? This is a must read:

100 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life

 

 

13. PEE?


 

Gif of woman doing the peepee danceDid you go to the bathroom just before?

 

I ask because stimulating the G-spot can make you feel like you have to pee and pause your happy time.  Even without g-spot or p-spot play, a full bladder is not fun.

 

If you can, go to the bathroom beforehand.

 

 

14. YOU'RE NOT USING ENOUGH LUBE


 

Don’t take it personally if your partner doesn’t gush like a fountain during foreplay.

 

Some women just have trouble producing enough, and the dryness can ruin the entire experience.

 

Grab your handy-dandy bottle of lube and slather that shit on. Waterbased is the safest, but silicone or hybrid is also good as long as you're not using any silicone sex toys.

 

Think you know everything about lube? Probably not. Get up to date here:

The Ultimate Lube Guide - Everything You Need to Know About the Slick Stuff

 

 

15. SOMEONE IS SCARED OF SEX TOYS


 

There’s no shame in asking for help from something with batteries. We're human and we can get tired. It's okay. 

 

There are so many options out there - anal, vaginal, penis, clitoral etc. And, while they are all good, make sure you buy something made from medical grade silicone, stainless steel, ABS plastic, properly made glass, properly sealed wood/ceramic etc.

 

NOTE: Stay away from Jelly and other toxic materials. Your genitals will thank you.

 

If you're still not sure where to start, I would suggest a clit vibrator. They're cheaper (compared to other sex toys) and less intimidating for beginners. Those ready to jump into the deeper section of the swimming pool might enjoy a magic wand. Many come with attachments for men and women - they're powerful as hell!

 

If you want more info, I would suggest the following:

 

 

 

16. THERE MIGHT BE MEDICAL REASONS


 

Illness and medications can sometimes cock block or clam jam us, which is shitty because the meds are fixing one problem but creating another.

 

The only thing I can suggest is talking to your doctor.

 

 

17. TRY MEDICAL/NON-MEDICAL SOLUTIONS


 

Eros medical device to help with orgasmsAs a last resort, there are creams that increase sensitively.

 

However…

 

They aren’t approved by the FDA. So, talk to your pharmacist and use at your own risk – and if your genitals break out into a CDC-worthy rash, you’ve been warned.

 

The FDA has approved a device called Eros which is meant to increase blood flow etc.

 

It’s only by prescription, so there needs to be a significant problem to get one.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

 

There's the bulk of possible problems. However, if things are still an issue, talk to a medical professional. This can be a doctor or a therapist – either of which should be no shame in visiting.

 

Do you have any other tips or tricks that help with orgasms? Share in the comments so we can all benefit! 

 

Have an orgasmic day!

Robyn

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