Having sex is not a new thing. Wanting sex is not a new thing.
Wanting sex, but not being about to get any, is certainly NOT a new thing.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that our ancestors found ways to scratch their horny itches with custom tools.
Aside from the interest in what dic-tated an ancient dildo, it was also fascinating to find out just how much experts can’t agree on what they were really used for – or can’t come to terms with the fact their great100 grandparents needed to get off.
The arguments seem to waver and bounce between ceremonial objects, crop protectors, trinkets to ward off evil, functional tools (like a knife that just “happens” to have a phallic-shaped head), or rock-solid sex rod.
Here’s how they got freaky thousands of years ago …
54 B.C. WITH BEES
Rumors run amok that Cleopatra should be credited with creating the first vibrator by filling a papyrus box or gourd (stories vary from person to person like a wild urban legend), then filling it with bees.
Angry, angry bees. There is no way to know if this is true or not, but it does make for some vivid imagery.
It wasn’t until 1869 did a more user-friendly version appear.
Used to cure “hysteria” (a.k.a. women being horny but being surrounded by a male population that was convinced chicks couldn’t experience sexual desire, or would “go mad” if they didn’t have semen), the steam-powered, train-like engine was positioned in doctors’ offices until the practice declined during the early twentieth century.
Mostly because normal people started to figure out that “hysteria” was just a blanket diagnosis for doctors who didn’t have a clue what was going on.
What makes it even more ridiculous? During the early 1900’s, personal massagers were all the rage. Even Sears sold them.
However when they appeared in porn, and everyone figured out what they were REALLY used for, boxes quickly disappeared from shelves.
Want more modern sex toys that will make your jaw drop? Check out:
CHINESE MUMMIES & RED RODS
In the Xinjiang Uyghur region of China, 4000-year old female mummies were found grabbing some ritual cock – phallic carvings measuring 4cm long and (mostly) painted red to show their status.
Dating back to around 1980 B.C, more than 330 tombs were discovered by Swedish explorer, Folke Bergman in the 1930’s (although a local hunter had found the site 20 years earlier and helped Bergman find it again after being covered by years of sand).
Only a few of the tombs were looted, leaving the rest in fairly good condition. Archaeologists found that all the women buried in the boat-shaped coffins were holding wooden phalluses.
MEANWHILE IN THE HAN DYNASTY
We have (what archaeologists think) are wearables that popped up near Shanghai (206 BC to 220 AD).
Aristocrats and the imperial family certainly knew how to party.
Although, I’m wondering what the bronze materials did to those high-ranking genitals.
A 28,000-YEAR-OLD FIRE STARTER
A 20cm long stone “object” was found in a cave in Ulm, Germany. So far, it’s the oldest representation of the penis that they’ve been able to dig up.
After they reassembled the 14-piece Siltstone puzzle, they also found it was probably used as a flint … to light a fire … then light THAT fire – at least according to Professor Nicholas Conard from Tübingen University, who is adamant the markings make it obvious what it was used for.
While carved stone (even wood) might sound a bit weird, keep in mind we have stone and wooden dildos today … although they cost a fortune.
It’s also leaps and bounds better than the unripe bananas, camel poop coated in resin, antlers, leather, and HUMAN BONE that were the alternatives back in the day.
SCORE ONE FOR SWEDEN
Although Germany holds the record for the oldest dildo found (so far), in a Mesolithic site in Motala, Sweden, they’ve found a runner-up that was 4000-6000 years old.
Why is this one unique and not just another stone love stick found in the dirt? It’s made of antler bone from the Stone Age.
According to science and time, or whatever, it’s really hard to find really old organic material in dig sites. However, the area’s geographically special, which allows for better preservation of bone artifacts, and no one has found stuff like this in Northern European or Scandinavian sites before.
There are also some who say it’s just a knife.
“If it’s a tool and it’s also shaped like a penis, it could be an item where you want to discuss gender questions,” said, Gruber, archaeologist for the National Heritage Board.
Who knows, maybe our ancestors were simply efficient.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
As fascinating as these discoveries are, if I were stuck in the stone age of sex toys, I would just use my hands. Splinters, rough stone, stinging bees, and questionable metal make my nether-regions swell up just thinking about it.
Also, before you go, you might want to check out this article:
- 6 Ridiculously Expensive Dildos That Will Make You Cry
- Pillows, Porn, and Pee: Strange Japanese Sex Toys and Novelties
- Vagina Art – Megumi Igarashi’s Fight Against Japan for Her Vulva
Anything you want to add? Share in the comments!