How to Stop Loving Someone – 25 Tips to Help You Move On

 

Whether parting from a long-term relationship, dealing with adoring someone who just doesn’t feel the same, or a casual sexual thing that turned out to be more, there can be A LOT of pain if you have to move on.

 

And I’ll tell you from personal experience … it’s not easy.

 

Here are some things you can try to help you get through this difficult time. Some might work for you, some might not. It’s your journey and you can pick and choose which are most helpful to you.

 

1. DISTANCE YOURSELF


  • Limit seeing the person you love
  • Unfollow, unfriend or block them on all social media 
  • Cut off any unnecessary communication with them

 

The less contact you have with them (online, voice, or face to face) the faster the process will go. Stop checking their feeds every day – yes … cold turkey. However, if there are unavoidable interactions (maybe you work together, have kids, go to the same clubs) keep communications to a bare minimum and do what you can to avoid them while staying civil/polite but not overly friendly.

 

 

2. TAKE AWAY REMINDERS


Box away gifts, photos, moments – anything that might trigger memories, pain, etc. Maybe even take a break from that television show you were binging together.

 

 

3. AVOID CERTAIN LOCATIONS


Aside from getting physical objects out of sight, try avoiding places that hold significant emotional attachment. Where you had your first kiss, frequented restaurants, etc.

 

 

4. AVOID DRUNK TEXTING


Although I don't recommend drinking as a solution to life’s problems, there will most likely be at least one drunken night you yearn to reach out – it doesn’t matter if it’s sadness, anger, whatever. If you feel the urge, give your phone to a friend or turn it off and go do something else until the urge goes away.

 

 

5. REACH OUT FOR SUPPORT


Most humans aren’t meant to be solitary creatures – especially when life gets heard. Some of us are also even taught to smile and say “I’m fine” even though you’re dying inside. Don’t do that. Reach out to a friend you know will be able and willing to help you through this painful phase.

 

 

6. DISTRACT YOURSELF


You can’t think about someone as much if you’re thinking about something else. Get a new hobby or find a passion for the one you’ve ignored. Go out and meet new people. Focus on work. Whatever helps you let your mind go someplace else.

 

 

7. CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE


One way to distract is by changing up your day to day routine. Drive a different way to work. Take a different path when you go for a jog. Change up breakfast. New things require more focus. And, who knows, maybe you’ll stumble upon something new and amazing. It’s good advice for anyone going through any kind of difficult time.

 

 

8. LOOK AT IT LIKE AN ADDICTION


So far we’ve been talking about ways to “distance” yourself from the person you’re in love with. Why?

 

Neuroscientists have conducted experiments on people’s brains when they are in the deep, throws of intense love. Turns out the part of the brain (nucleus accumbens) lights up like the 4th of July. This region is associated with concepts of rewards (and all the great feelings that go with it) … also … intense addictions.

 

You don’t put a bottle of booze next to a newly recovering alcoholic. Don’t put yourself in situations that could be comparable.

 

 

9. TRY NOT TO RELAPSE


Since we are looking at it as an addiction. There are chances you might “fall of the wagon”. If so, do what you can to get back on and proceed with distance and healing.

 

 

10. GIVE YOURSELF TIME


Sorry, but whether the person hurt you, or they were innocent and just didn’t love you back, it takes time to bring yourself back to a balance. It won’t happen overnight. Not in weeks, months, and (if it’s really intense) maybe over a year. It’s ok. Everyone heals in their own time.

 

 

11. PRACTICE SELF LOVE

This is important – they may not love you, but that doesn’t matter. The only true love that’s vital is the love you have with yourself. How you go about it is an individual process. However, finding true acceptance and love for yourself is an excellent goal that will be one of the most fulfilling journeys of your life.

 

 

12. HAVE ALONE TIME BUT NOT TOO MUCH


Yes, it’s totally okay to hide away and be a hermit – sometimes we just need quiet, our own space, or a recharge. Please just make sure that you’re not locking yourself, and your heart and misery away (and not dealing with it).

 

 

13. UNDERSTAND THEIR FLAWS


No one is perfect. No one. Take some time to calmly analyze the other person’s flaws – big or small. Remember though, this isn’t a hate exercise and you’re not filling your head with all sorts of negative and bad words about them. You’re not trying to morph your love into hate because you think it’s easier. It might actually also backfire and harm yourself love by adding a barrel of bitterness (which we don’t want).

 

You’re simply peeling back the fantasy and looking at the person for who they are without the idealization. Those flaws will help you see reality. Maybe you weren’t really that great of a match, maybe you see things that would have become a problem down the road, etc.

 

 

14. UNDERSTAND THE “FANTASY” OF LOVE


Aside from the “addiction” aspect, we tend to cling to the best memories – the ones that made us feel the best, most validated, wanted, loved, accepted. Clinging to this is only building a fantasy world around you that will make moving on harder.

 

 

15. UNDERSTAND IT’S FOR THE BEST


You can’t force someone to love you. You just can’t. And if you take all the other things we’ve talked about before into consideration, it’s probably a good idea to move on.

 

 

16. REMEMBER, THEY MIGHT HURT TOO


We like to think of the other side as cold and unfeeling – it’s easier. But the truth is the no decent human being likes to hurt another, especially in love. So, if you have deep love for someone that they don’t feel back, they probably also feel pretty awful being a source of pain in your life.

 

 

17. LETTING GO OF “THE ONE” IDEA


Tim Minchin has a wonderful song about this idea – that with ALL the billions of people in the world, there really is no such thing as “the one and only love of your life”. You might be lucky to find someone who is very compatible and you live together to the end of your days. However, if you lose someone or they don’t reciprocate, guess what? You’ll find someone else.

 

 

18. LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE


Take the lessons, experiences, and tools from this situation and use them to better not only yourself (happiness, confidence, self-love, etc.), but take what you’ve learned and use it to find someone who’s a better fit, someone who will love you as much as you love them.

 

 

19. WHEN YOU MAKE IT YOUR FAULT


Sometimes we want to take on 100% of the blame – I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, blah blah blah. Don’t go there. It takes two for a relationship to not work. Blame is not the point, moving on and being happy is.

 

 

20. TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL


When your thoughts are nothing but a tangled mess of knotted memories and emotions, try going to a therapist. Secondary advice to this? Get a therapist that makes you put in the work – not just one that listens to you for an hour, pats you on the head, tells you you’re right and everything will be ok. Friends are for that, moms and dads are for that.

 

A good therapist will be sympathetic but also want to help you get past this bump – which might mean you doing some deep soul searching, confronting hard truths, or simple daily activities that grind towards a better, stronger you.

 

 

21. PAST DEFINING YOUR FUTURE


Another reason for taking some time to heal is so that you don’t carry bitterness or negativity to the next person you might want to try with. You want to start fresh, clear, and bright. Yes, decent partners should accept that you have a past, and it was painful, but at the same time, you don’t want to transfer all your negativity to them.

 

 

22. KNOW IF YOU “FALL FAST AND HARD”


I’ll admit to being this a long time ago. When you find someone that just seems to be perfect, you fall in love fast and hard. If you think you’re also that kind of person, you need to learn different approaches to making choices and the corresponding actions when it comes to love.

 

23. BATTLE NEGATIVE, UNPRODUCTIVE THOUGHTS


As I said before, it’s easy to fall into that dark pit of imagining them as the bad guy, the villain, and the one that hurt you deeply. Or, daydreaming about the past and clinging to all the memories that made you feel good. You have to (actively) push these thoughts out of your head. Eventually, they will be less and less until they are no more.

 

 

24. UNDERSTAND YOU’RE NOT “UNLOVING” THEM


Ceasing to be “in love” with someone doesn’t always mean you have to push out all emotional connection to them. Maybe you want to be acquaintances after, perhaps friends. You can wish them all the happiness in the world while still moving on from being in love with them. It will just take time and lots of work.

 

 

25. ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON


All the advice up until this point is to lead you to one simple thing – accept that the other side isn’t going to be what you want or give what you need. Be strong, accept it, and move on with your life. There’s so much out there, don’t waste your time clinging to ghosts of your past.

 

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Have any more advice for moving on from love? Share in the comments. And remember, this isn't a "one guide fits all" take each idea, process it and decide if it fits your healing journey.

 

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Have a healing day,

Robyn

 

 

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